Why I Dated the Wrong Guys

Dear Friend,

Do you know someone who is in a relationship with a guy who is all wrong for her?  Not wrong because they are not compatible, but wrong because of the way he treats her?  Maybe he is jealous or unkind.  Maybe he parties too much or sacrifices too little.  Do you listen to her cry after he has hurt her for the millionth time and wish you could help her see the light? Do you tell her to leave him and feel your heart sink when she takes him back (again)?

Long ago, I was that girl.  I was the girl who dated the wrong guys.  And more specifically I dated one wrong guy for a really long time.  I've heard it said that girls go for bad boys because of some sort of love that is lacking in their life.  They say these girls don't feel loved, so any love will do.  But I'm not so sure.  In my case I knew I was loved.  I was raised in a great big family who showered me with love.  My mom and I were particularly close and I had strong relationships with other family members I knew I could count on.  So why did I stick with a guy who made me cry all the time?  At first I think it was because I really and truly loved the guy.  On the rare occasions we weren't fighting, I really enjoyed his company.  We had fun together and we liked so many of same things.  But when things were bad, they were really bad.  Jealousy, anger and manipulation played big roles in our relationship.  I didn't make him a better person, nor did he make me one.  We often tore each other down and routinely said things we knew were hurtful.  But no matter how terrible things got, I never wanted to be without him.  Part of the reason I stayed was because I was so invested it was hard for me to figure out a way to leave.  But part of it was that I could not imagine a love that looked any differently.

So if I was loved and I knew I was loved by my family, why would I stay with someone who clearly didn't love me the right way--someone I did not love the right way?  Eighteen years after that volatile relationship ended, I finally think I know the underlining reason I stayed.

It was because even though I knew I was loved, I did not know I was worthy.

Worthy.  As in deserving.  

I think underneath it all, I didn't really and truly believe I deserved anything better.  

It has taken me a long time and many conversations with a devoted husband, true friends, and a incredibly loving God for me to begin to understand that I am worthy.  

It goes something like this:  God made me.  Not only did He make me, but He loves me.  Infinitely.  More than I could ever even begin to imagine.  He wants forever be with me and is always chasing after me.  A Father like that only seeks to give His daughter good things.  Beautiful friendships.  Extravagant love.  Abundant blessings.  Back when I was in the middle of that difficult relationship, I didn't know much about God and really had no idea that He wanted to give me so much more than I was giving myself.  No one could have convinced me that I deserved more because I didn't have a clue more existed and even if it did, I'm not sure I would have believed it would want me.  After all, I had a ton of faults and had made so many mistakes.  

Even though I clung to that relationship with all I had, in time it ended.  Not long after, something remarkable happened.  I met some people who introduced me in a more profound way to God and His Church.  Slowly but surely I started to see my value.  I started to see that I am so very valuable to God.  Once I began to learn how important I am in God's eyes, it was easier to learn how to love and receive love. Real love.  Sacrificial love.  My husband and I are by no means perfect. Our love has faltered and cracked, but we have such a spectacular model of selfless, giving, amazing love to imitate.   

So if you know that girl.  The one who time after time chases the wrong guy, don't just remind her that she is loved, remind her that she is worthy.  And then, introduce her to the One who will forever and always Love her with the most perfect and unending Love she will ever know.  

Love you, 

Alissa