When Life Totally Sucks

Dear Friend,

May I be your biggest fan for a moment?  Can I help you to remember that you are utterly and completely amazing and beautiful?  That you are strong and brave?

I was cleaning the stove just now and something told me that I needed to stop, sit down and tell you that it's going to be okay.  This thing you are battling.  It will be okay.  It may not be perfect.  It may not end up exactly as you envisioned, planned or desired it would--but it will be okay.  

And you?  You will be made new.  The thing about this thing that you are battling, is that it may not be something you have any control over.  But I want you to know that whatever it is--it has the power to transform you.  Whatever it is can make you:

stronger.

wiser.

braver.

kinder.

I know it's hard to see it now, but God can use this time to bring you closer to the person you are meant to be. Even though this thing is awful and hard and debilitating.  

And Friend?

You are not alone.  Never.  Not for one millisecond.  Remember that story where Jesus wept?  I love that story because it shows that the Savior who was sinless and blameless was never above feeling our pain.  Remember that story where Jesus was alone in the garden and He asked God to take away the suffering that was before Him if it was at all possible?  That story reminds me that Jesus himself felt alone in his pain and wanted desperately for there to be another way.  Remember that story where Jesus cried out from the Cross: "Why have you abandoned me?"  Having suffered through agonizing pain, humiliation and betrayal, Jesus felt totally abandoned by His own Father. 

This is the same Jesus who walks with you now.  Some days He will remind you just to put one foot in front of the other.  Some days He will remind you to breath.  Some days he will bring a friend to remind you that He loves you.  Friend, if you know nothing at all right now, know that you are not alone.  

You will get through this.  Because you are brave and strong and beautiful and amazing.  You will be made new because Jesus makes everything--absolutely everything--new.  

I'm praying for you now.  I am not using fancy big words to pray--and you don't have to either.  "Jesus, help my friend."  "Jesus, heal my friend."  "Jesus love my friend." -- Yup.  Those prayers about cover it.  

In this together with you,

Alissa

The Time My Friend Talked Me Off the NFP Ledge

Dear Friend,

Did you know it was National NFP week?  Me neither.  My husband actually brought it to my attention after reading an article a priest friend of ours posted.  NFP has been a hot topic around our house for the last year or so. Well actually the last ten years or so.  But before then, I had NO IDEA what it even was. It could have stood for National Federation of Panda-lovers for all I knew.  I had no idea before I got married what an instrumental role NFP would play in my marriage, my sex life, my family life, my health and my trust.

We've had a long and winding path with those three little words: Natural Family Planning. There have been times when NFP in my ears sounded more like &*#$%&@.  In those times NFP has felt like a bad word, a bad idea and sometimes a heavy cross.  And then there have been times when I have thanked my sweet Jesus that NFP was the way my husband and I have always approached our fertility.  Times like when my midwife placed my fifth born on my chest.  The baby I didn't want. The baby that FREAKED ME OUT.  The one who is the current light of my universe.  

We had a major NFP moment just last month. After we had baby five, my husband and I realized that we had gotten majorly sloppy with the NFP model we use: Creighton.  So lazy in fact, that before baby five was conceived, I just went with the, "I pretty much am doing what I am supposed to be doing." approach. Which when you think about it, is pretty idiotic in ANY type of family planning (the pill especially).  Because when it comes to family planning--if you are serious--you've got to give it the proper attention and you have got to be regimented.  Forgetting to take a pill, I've heard, can spell B-A-B-Y in no time.  It's the same with NFP.  If you go at it half-halfheartedly or even worse--half-assedly, the system will not work as it was designed.  Which is exactly what happened when we were surprised with the conception of Baby Five.  Baby Five was not a result of failed NFP, he was a result of failed implementation of it. But because my husband and I decided long ago that the natural way was the only way for us, we have never put any barriers in God's way.  So BAM! God gave us Miracle number five.  

Anyway.  Back to what happened last month.  After the birth of baby five, my husband and I were all like--"Okay babies errywhere is all fun and games, but in our hearts, our pocket book, and in our family life, we have come to peace with the size of our family and would like to avoid pregnancy (those are key terms in NFP--Trying to Avoid vs. Trying to Conceive). So we HIT NFP LIKE NEVER BEFORE.  I'm serious.  We retook classes and we tracked our fertility like the IRS tracks Wesley Snipes.  And after a few months we had it down.  One night as we marveled at the beauty of our chart (Yes. We marveled. Because having your NFP shit together is damn right beautiful), we realized that what they say about NFP is true.  If you practice it the way it was designed, fertility becomes a partnership.  Not just a load for the woman to bare.  The weight to prevent or to conceive does not land solely on her shoulders, but is a joint effort.  And the thing about marriage is, that when all the big things are done jointly, with conversation and careful consideration (ahem-finances anyone?), the marriage is made stronger.  So there we were in the greatest place we had been with our fertility in a long long time. 

 For all of two seconds.  

Then I went to the beach.  The same beach I had been to 2 years prior.  The same one where I had this random cramping that turned out to be implantation cramping.  The cramping that turned out to mean I was unexpectedly pregnant.  And wouldn't you know I had the SAME EXACT CRAMPING. So I did what any sane woman would do: I went pure ape shit.  Because THIS time was so UNLIKE the last time, in that I was so CONFIDENT in what we were doing.  The next step was clear: google like a mother.  And google did what it ALWAYS does:  made it all worse.  My husband noticed I wasn't acting like myself and so I spilled my freaked-out beans.  And he loved me through my crazy.  But you know sometimes you just need a woman to talk you down from your ledge.  So I decided to call a good friend who teaches the Creighton Model we use.  I sat on the porch of the condo and spilled my freaked-out beans all over again.  But this time I had all kinds of facts about my chart and my observations.  My friend had such words of wisdom.  She was so encouraging and brought me such peace.  I hung up feeling better.  Because in my heart I knew that NFP is not a bad word in my life.  It has actually given me my life.  I don't regret the five children we call our own, I adore them.  I have only a profound respect for our fertility and the power that my husband and I have been given to partner with God in the creation of life.  I have only abundant thanksgiving that I have never had to put an artificial anything in my body.  And I have a radical trust in NFP.  Don't all we women have to have a radical trust in the method we choose? Because isn't there a failure rate in it all?  In the pill and the ring and the snip and the wrap-it-up method?  Don't we all know someone who welcomed a baby when all those methods "failed?"  Our method is 98% effective when practiced correctly.  The divorce rate for NFP users is less than 5%.  It's not easy. Just like family life and marriage, it takes sacrifice and diligence.  

As it turns out, there is no Baby Six coming our way.  We would have welcomed a baby because baby five taught us that in the end, babies are just about the best thing ever.  But I won't say we aren't happy that all of our efforts are not misguided--all our trust misplaced.  It is nice to be confident. It's nice after ten years to be able to confidently trust both Science and God to build our family.  

My prayers are with you women out there.  Our fertility is such a great gift and responsibility. My prayer is that if you practice NFP, you have people to confide in.  Over the years I have had many women in my life talk me off the NFP ledge.  It is so important to have women you feel confident talking to honestly and openly.  If you are not practicing NFP but another method, and are interested in giving this all-natural method a try, contact me.  I'll point you to someone who can guide you. Lastly, I urge all of us women to ask questions about the family planning method we use.  What are the risks? What are the consequences?  What are the perks?  Is the method we use making my marriage stronger or driving wedges?  Mostly though friends, I pray that your family life abundantly blesses you. 

Love,
Alissa  

That Time I Decided to Stop Competing {at life}

Dear Friend,

I've been going through this really unique stage in my life where I feel a seismic shift in thinking. It's as if there have been these puzzle pieces in my thoughts that have been swirling around bashing into each other, attempting to fit together--to snap into place.  But up until now, it simply hasn't happened. Each puzzle piece of thought is important so instead of just falling back into the recesses of my mind, they have stayed at the forefront and have continued to bash around, trying desperately to come together to give me the big picture.  And just this afternoon, I feel like the last and final piece of the puzzle jarred into place.  To put it quite simply, I have just recently learned and fell head over heels in love with just one word:

abundance

Isn't it such a beautiful word?  Abundance.  Meaning: An over-sufficient quantity or supply, an overflowing fullness.  This word is making a huge difference in the way I see just about everything and everyone.  Up until now, it's been hard, I mean really hard not to compare myself and everything that being me entails--my family, my successes, my children, my "level" of Catholicism, my goodness--to other women.  

But as the puzzle pieces of my thoughts and feelings have connected, I have realized that just as the Devil uses Fear to drive out Love (and trust and faith and a whole lot of other things), he uses comparison to the same end.  If my knee-jerk feelings and thoughts about the good fortune, blessings or goodness of others is to look at myself and my situation as less or to be envious or jealous of them, Love vanishes.  Love for myself and Love for my neighbor cannot happen if I concern myself with comparison.  The Devil used it when he tricked Eve: "Hey look over here, look at this apple.  Doesn't it look delicious?  Why can't you have it?  Oh it's because God doesn't want you to have what He has. Come on, it's no big deal."

When Eve stopped trusting in the abundance and goodness of what she already had--when she looked away from the plenty that was already at her very feet--the heaven that surrounded her--she lost it all. And the Devil uses the same tactics today:  "Look over here--this woman over here has it all together.  She is well-dressed and her home looks like it was decorated by Nate Berkus himself. Shouldn't you try harder to be like her and have what she has?"  Or he throws even lower blows, "Look how holy this woman is? Look how her children sit so nicely in those pews and recite their prayers without falter.  Don't you think you should work harder at being like her?"

So we look away from our abundance for just a second.  And that is all it takes to make us feel less. It is a double blow to Love:

We forget to love ourselves.  

We forget to love others.   

So I've decided to throw in the white towel so to speak.  I love what author Glennon Melton says when she writes that we women must build a community or sisterhood among us and that this sisterhood is the "phenomenon that occurs when women quit seeing each other as mirrors or reflections of themselves, and start seeing each other as one-of-a-kind works of art.  Sisterhood happens when women view each other as deep wells of support and inspiration--as teammates--instead of competitors."

After reading this phrase the puzzle pieces kind of just clicked.  I thought to myself, "What would happen if I saw every woman in my life as a one-of-a-kind work of art?"  What if I tried to honor them as works of art (because after all, aren't they??) What if I appreciated my own abundance, AS WELL AS, the abundance of others?  What if I attempted to be happy for the goodness happening in the lives around me instead of seeing it as some sort of robbing of my own joy?  What if I celebrated other's successes and gifts rather than seeing them as a knock on my own abilities? What if I, like Glennon Melton writes, started to allow "the divine light in me to see and honor the divine light in you" like Mother Teresa did throughout her entire ministry?

It didn't take long for me to decide what would happen:

Freedom

Freedom to love myself and know that God made me just so.  Freedom to love others and know that God made them too.  Freedom to embrace that there really and truly is abundance--that God has not been stingy with me, with you, with anyone (God has been so abundant with humanity--it is we who have been stingy with each other). Freedom from envy, self-doubt and greed. Freedom to love others without reservation.  

It's not easy.  Of course.  Because the devil is great at making everyone around me look like shiny red apples.  The devil knows that I myself am not so interested in possessions, but in personalities and in abilities.  He shines up all of those abilities and successes of others so well until he catches my attention with their brilliance.  He dangles them in front of me so that I will take my eye off of Love. But now that I know his trick with me, I have begun practicing the recitation of this short prayer:

"Jesus, thank you for Your abundance.  Help me to live abundantly."  

I want to be that person who loves, gives, forgives, appreciates, helps, shows up, lets go, laughs, plays and prays abundantly.  And as it turns out to live abundantly takes practice.  So it's time to roll up my sleeves, and get started. It's high time I start honoring the divine light in everyone.   

Prayers that you too come to know that God made you, just so. And that you are beautiful, wonderful and full of divine light.

Love,

Alissa