The Reasons I Got Married in the Catholic Church and Not The JP

**Major Disclaimers**

The following is an account as to why my husband and I chose marriage within the Catholic Church. It is not a knock on couples who choose to marry through the Justice of the Peace or other traditions. I know many couples, married through all types of institutions who have beautiful marriages, full of love and fidelity.  This is not to say I think marriage through the Church is better, this is only to explain why it was important to me.


Dear Friend,

I know we haven't known each other long, but may I tell you something about myself that I don't talk about much?

My parents divorced when I was seven.  My mom and dad have the biggest hearts on the planet and they love me and my brothers so much.  I have never ever questioned that fact.  But the divorce was hard on all of us.  Isn't it always?  No matter the circumstances that surround divorce, isn't it just plain hard on everyone?

I don't think it is important to go into the details of that time in my life.  But what I want you to know is that the word marriage became a complicated word for me.  I didn't dream of what it would be like to meet Mr. Right, I didn't oooooo and ahhhhh over the idea of a frilly wedding.  And in fact, after a really difficult breakup right after high school, I wasn't even sure marriage was for me.

I had seen what happened to my own parents and was afraid of my own future.  After all, it's not like they chose that path.  Does anyone sign up for that kind heartache?  It just sort of...happened.  It happened to two really loving, committed people who had great examples of married parents to look to.  I know for a fact that my parents would have done anything to make things work out beautifully, but so much of what happened was out of their control.  I decided at a very young age that marriage is one big experiment.  A roll of the die.  No one knows for sure when they marry if things will work out.  I needed a guarantee, and since no one could give me one, marriage became one of those things I decided I probably could live without.

That is until I happened upon the love of my life.

Meeting him sent me into a whirlwind of feelings.  Here I was with this guy who was unlike anyone I had ever met.  He was faithful and charming and he had this smile with these dimples!  It didn't take long before I felt like I could no more exist without air than I could exist without him.  SO CHEESY I KNOW!  I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and this meant I needed to reconsider my stance on marriage. So I began seriously paying attention to the married people in my life.  I wanted to have a clearer idea of what I was getting myself into.  I didn't really get any monumental ideas on the key to a lasting marriage but what I did notice was an idea that has remained with me since then:

Happy marriage, happy life.

Unhappy marriage, unhappy life.

Seriously. It was like no matter how much a person advanced and succeeded in life, at jobs or in their social life--if their marriage was a mess, everything else suffered.  And conversely, if a couple struggled financially or had major tragedies come up, but their marriage was strong, it was as if they had this unshakable love that thrived and made life beautiful no matter what.  It seemed to me that the state of the marriage kind of set the tone for everything else.  It was THAT important.  

I made up my mind that if I worked at nothing else, I would work at making a strong marriage.  It was around this same time I found myself learning more and more about what the Church teaches about sex and marriage.  The more I learned, the more I started to desire to be married within the Catholic Church.  Not because my grandma or mom or anyone else wanted me to or would be disappointed if I didn't.  And not because I wanted to get married in a beautiful church with pretty windows. No, I wanted to be married in the Catholic Church because I was determined to find some sort of marriage insurance.  As far as I could tell, getting married within the Church was as close as I was ever going to get to purchasing marriage insurance.

I know what you must be thinking.  There is no such thing as marriage insurance.  But let me explain. I knew getting married in the Church wouldn't prevent things from going wrong---just like car insurance doesn't prevent an accident from happening--but the Church was offering so much wisdom and guidance to make sure we had tools to get through what may happen.

So what was the Church offering that swayed me?  A whole lot.  But these 2 things were (and remain) the bread and butter:

ONE:  The Church Has Got Our Backs:  Marriage in the Catholic Church is considered a union that is indissoluble--meaning, "unable to be destroyed."  So from the get go, there is this idea that what you are getting into is something that is considered so incredibly sacred that it is to remain intact.  You may be thinking, "But doesn't any kind of marriage vow basically say the same thing?" Well, yes and no.

Yes, most anyone who gets married says, "until death do us part."  But the real weight comes behind WHO you are saying those words to.  Sure you are saying them to each other, but in a justice of the peace ceremony, you are also saying those words to a human judge who has absolutely no authority or desire to help you live up to your promise.  But in a sacramental marriage you are entering a covenant, not only with your beloved, but also with God.  I ABSOLUTELY LOVE what the Church says about this.  Check this out:

The marriage bond has been established by God himself in such a way that a marriage concluded and consummated between baptized persons can never be dissolved.  This bond, which results from the free human act of the spouses and their consummation of the marriage is a reality, henceforth irrevocable, and gives rise to a covenant guaranteed by God's fidelity.  The church does not have the power to contravene this disposition of divine wisdom. (CCC 1640)

SAY WHAT?  In plain English this says:  Listen y'all.  God Himself invented and instituted the marriage bond. When a man and woman come together before God of their own free will, make a promise to be one, and later give themselves to each other as a sign of their unity--God guarantees He will be a part of their union and WE WOULD BE FOOLS TO CONTRADICT ANYTHING GOD HAS GUARANTEED.

Basically the Church says, we do not have the power to dissolve what God has joined, whereas the world says, just sign here and you can get rid of this person forever.  This to me was so big because here the Church was saying to me, "The bond between you and your husband is so sacred and so special, it is designed to be forever.  We recognize this and will do our part to help you get there."  I took this to mean that the Church had my back when it came to my marriage and almost twelve years later I can honestly say that the Church has been instrumental in keeping us not only together, but growing in love and sacrifice.  

TWO:  God Has Got Our Backs:  By promising His loyalty us, God is promising that we are not alone in this work.  In fact the Church says that when spouses enter into a covenant with Christ the day they are married, "Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another's burdens, to be 'subject to one another out of reverence for Christ' and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love." (CCC 1642)

I am living proof this is true.  My husband and I have endured some gut wrenching times in our marriage and have come out stronger and more in love.  The power to get through these hard times was not power we found on our own, but instead was from Christ Himself.  He said He would supply what we needed to make our way through this vocation and He meant it.  Again, the Church is offering something a human judge in a human court cannot--Supernatural Support for all that marriage brings.

None of this is to say that people who get married through the Catholic Church do not divorce or that marriage is not at all a gamble.  I am only twelve years into this and I cannot say with 100% certainty that things will not get to a point where my husband and I will have to divorce.  There are two of us.  Two personalities, two people who process things differently, two ways of dealing with joy and sorrow--two people who have to work on it until death do us part.  We cannot force each other to work or to stay.  And that is scary.

But having already been through trying times, I can say with 1000% certainty that our Sacrament has saved us so far.  That we HAVE turned to God and to people--priests, friends, ministers--within the Catholic Church when we have been in trouble and they have come through in ways I will never adequately be able to explain or thank them for.  Like the time we were struggling and my husband called one of our favorite priests not knowing he was visiting family in England and he not only answered the call and talked with him, but to this day finds time to check in on us.

This my dear homegirls is what you get when you and your beloved sign up for married life with God.  You don't get a guarantee, but you get an army of people who will love you, pray for you and with you.  You get a Church you can enter, any day of the week, and spend time praying and pouring out petitions on behalf of you and your beloved.  But most of all my friend, you get a loving Father who is even more invested in your happiness than you are.  A Father who has the power that no human does---the power to heal, renew, strengthen and love--when you cannot.

Prayers for you AND your beloved,
Alissa

The Best Explanation Anyone Ever Gave Me About Why We Keep Sex for Marriage

***Disclaimer***

The Catholic Homegirl Blog is geared towards Catholic Homegirls, i.e. women who are trying to live out the teachings of the Catholic Church.  The following letter is written with love for those who are trying to work out for themselves why the Church teaches that sex is reserved for sacramental marriage. 

Dear Friend,
Did you know that the Catholic Church still teaches that sex is reserved for people who have first celebrated the Sacrament of Marriage?

I KNOW!

IN THIS DAY AND AGE!

SHE WON'T JUST LET IT GO!

WHATTHA???

But WHY won't she let it go?  Why won't she just get with the times already?  Well, in all my years of attempting to be a faithful Catholic, there are a few things I've come to learn regarding my beloved Church and her teachings:

1) The Church does not concern herself with keeping up with fads.  That's precisely why you don't see the pope sporting skinny jeans when they are all the rage.

2)  The Church is led by the Holy Spirit.  Yes, the Church is imperfect.  It is made up of knuckleheads like myself who sin and make mistakes, but it is led by the Holy Spirit who is Himself perfect.  There is this cool verse in the bible where the Holy Spirit descends on the disciples who had locked themselves in a room.  The disciples were hold up and scared because of the way Jesus had died.  They knew they were next because they were His best friends.  Once the Holy Spirit descended upon them they never looked back.  They were empowered and were given the wisdom and courage needed to take the gospel to the ends of the earth.  It is this same Holy Spirit which guides the Church today, over 2000 years later.

3) There is always an explanation behind what the Church teaches.  I mean ALWAYS.  The answer is never the one I give my kids when I am all out of explanations (Just cuz y'all)!  If someone were to have beef with what the Church teaches on anything, they could go to a reliable source (TMZ not being one of them) and find out the WHY behind the WHAT that they disagree with.  Many people choose not to do that.  Often someone will hear something they think the Church teaches, decide we are a Church made up of a bunch of hateful, judgmental people and then banish us from their lives forever.

I can't set the record straight on all the misunderstood teachings of the Church--the baby is only napping for twenty more minutes and the laundry is calling my name in a bad way--BUT, I can certainly try to shed a little light on this whole, "no sex before marriage" thing.

The current popular teaching with regards to what the Church teaches about sex goes something like this:

"The Catholic Church, which is made up of a bunch of old geezers who hate women and people in general, has come up with the rule that sex is bad and therefore should not be had by anyone at anytime for any reason except to have fourteen billion kids.  The end."

To which I respond: Um no.

The Church's teaching on saving sex for marriage is based on the idea that sex is good, holy and created by God Himself.  God who is loving and wants what is good for us created it.  So no, the Church does not teach that sex is bad.  Quite the opposite actually.

The best way anyone has ever explained this misunderstood teaching to me was back when I was taking Confirmation classes.  I didn't get confirmed until I was 22, so when I took the class, I was an adult.  I found the entire class intriguing.  My instructor was a total boss.  He took such lofty ideas and made them easy to understand.  One evening when someone asked why, even if you are in a committed relationship, the Church teaches that sex is reserved for sacramental marriage, we were all eager to learn his answer.  He simply stated:

You are saying with your body what you have not yet said with your life.

You could have heard a pin drop.  He went on to explain that sex says, I am yours--totally.  It says, I give myself to you and hold nothing back.  But if you have not also said this with your life, you degrade sex to merely a physical act and it is so much more.  Sex is a sign of total union.  God designed us with this unity in mind when He created our bodies to literally fit together and become one.  In the Sacrament of Marriage you make a promise to each other and to God to stick with it through all the good and bad that comes your way.  The sacrament is a sacred bond between the couple and God.  In marriage, a man and woman commit to a total giving of themselves. That commitment says: even when I'm angry, even when this gets hard, even when I don't want to, I am here to stay.  I am here to love you.  And God is here to help us.

What you say with your mind and heart on the day you marry, you say with your body when you later give yourselves to each other.

People these days make commitment sound like it's a bad thing.  But the commitment part of marriage is what makes people stick around, not the foofy love stuff.  There are days when you stick around not because your heart flutters, but because you committed yourself to this person.  There have been times in my own marriage where one of us is sick and tired of the trudge and would rather be doing anything other than working on staying together and working things out. But we signed up to see it through.  To give each other all that we both have. And THAT is what sex signifies:

Sex says: Not only is my body yours, but my life is yours too. I have signed up for a total and constant giving of myself to you.

There are those who will say, "Whatever.  Sex is fun and it means nothing and to make it a big deal is just a total bummer." That may be true for some people, but I'd argue that for most women, sex does mean something.  We do want it to be special and would love to see it as a symbol of unity.  The kind of unity that lasts. Many of us understand that sex is a special giving of ourselves.  We know that we are trusting another person with all we are.  The real bummer is that we live in a time where if we DO happen to think sex IS special, we are often looked at as if we are some sort of weirdo from another planet.  If we feel something tugging at us not to give ourselves to just anyone, the thinking is that the guy we are currently dating has every right to make for the door because he deserves to be "kept happy."  We aren't allowed to believe that sex is a big deal.  Even if deep down we really and truly believe it is.

And if we do find someone we love who feels the same way we do about sex, and we both decide to wait, let's not even talk about how difficult the actual waiting part is.  Because it is.  No one is denying that fact. It takes heroic virtue, a ton of grace and a whole lot of strength.  It takes a big ol' huge commitment from both people to make it to that coveted wedding night.  But you know what?  I think deciding to wait, and going through the effort and prayer that it takes to make it through that time is a perfect way to practice how to be married (not that there is no sex in marriage--no, a healthy marriage has plenty)!  Why? Because marriage constantly and continually asks the spouses to sacrifice for the good of the other.  It is putting the happiness and holiness of the other person before your own desires.  It takes a ton of effort, but isn't anything of great value worth all the effort?

I know it is pretty annoying to hear all of this from an old woman with five kids who is already way into married life.  But I want you to know it is possible.  It's possible to claim the beauty of sex and make it mean something.  Even if you haven't in the past.  You can choose your new beginning.  You and your boyfriend can.  You and your fiance can.  You can decide to wait.

Wait and say with your life first, what you will say with your whole self forever.

Love and prayers,
Alissa

Why I Dated the Wrong Guys

Dear Friend,

Do you know someone who is in a relationship with a guy who is all wrong for her?  Not wrong because they are not compatible, but wrong because of the way he treats her?  Maybe he is jealous or unkind.  Maybe he parties too much or sacrifices too little.  Do you listen to her cry after he has hurt her for the millionth time and wish you could help her see the light? Do you tell her to leave him and feel your heart sink when she takes him back (again)?

Long ago, I was that girl.  I was the girl who dated the wrong guys.  And more specifically I dated one wrong guy for a really long time.  I've heard it said that girls go for bad boys because of some sort of love that is lacking in their life.  They say these girls don't feel loved, so any love will do.  But I'm not so sure.  In my case I knew I was loved.  I was raised in a great big family who showered me with love.  My mom and I were particularly close and I had strong relationships with other family members I knew I could count on.  So why did I stick with a guy who made me cry all the time?  At first I think it was because I really and truly loved the guy.  On the rare occasions we weren't fighting, I really enjoyed his company.  We had fun together and we liked so many of same things.  But when things were bad, they were really bad.  Jealousy, anger and manipulation played big roles in our relationship.  I didn't make him a better person, nor did he make me one.  We often tore each other down and routinely said things we knew were hurtful.  But no matter how terrible things got, I never wanted to be without him.  Part of the reason I stayed was because I was so invested it was hard for me to figure out a way to leave.  But part of it was that I could not imagine a love that looked any differently.

So if I was loved and I knew I was loved by my family, why would I stay with someone who clearly didn't love me the right way--someone I did not love the right way?  Eighteen years after that volatile relationship ended, I finally think I know the underlining reason I stayed.

It was because even though I knew I was loved, I did not know I was worthy.

Worthy.  As in deserving.  

I think underneath it all, I didn't really and truly believe I deserved anything better.  

It has taken me a long time and many conversations with a devoted husband, true friends, and a incredibly loving God for me to begin to understand that I am worthy.  

It goes something like this:  God made me.  Not only did He make me, but He loves me.  Infinitely.  More than I could ever even begin to imagine.  He wants forever be with me and is always chasing after me.  A Father like that only seeks to give His daughter good things.  Beautiful friendships.  Extravagant love.  Abundant blessings.  Back when I was in the middle of that difficult relationship, I didn't know much about God and really had no idea that He wanted to give me so much more than I was giving myself.  No one could have convinced me that I deserved more because I didn't have a clue more existed and even if it did, I'm not sure I would have believed it would want me.  After all, I had a ton of faults and had made so many mistakes.  

Even though I clung to that relationship with all I had, in time it ended.  Not long after, something remarkable happened.  I met some people who introduced me in a more profound way to God and His Church.  Slowly but surely I started to see my value.  I started to see that I am so very valuable to God.  Once I began to learn how important I am in God's eyes, it was easier to learn how to love and receive love. Real love.  Sacrificial love.  My husband and I are by no means perfect. Our love has faltered and cracked, but we have such a spectacular model of selfless, giving, amazing love to imitate.   

So if you know that girl.  The one who time after time chases the wrong guy, don't just remind her that she is loved, remind her that she is worthy.  And then, introduce her to the One who will forever and always Love her with the most perfect and unending Love she will ever know.  

Love you, 

Alissa

Papa Francis

Dear Homegirl,

Pope Francis is the bomb.  

You should follow him on Twitter. 

He's not on Instagram just yet.  

But he tweets stuff like:

May we try to listen and be silent in order to make space for the beauty of God.

and:

A Christian brings peace to others. Not only peace, but also love, kindness, faithfulness and joy.

Yeah, so you should totally follow him.

That is all.

Love,
Alissa

Stupid Hurting

Dear Friend,

Hurt.  

It's stupid.  

But it happens to all of us.  Some just hide it better than others.  I hope you know that you don't have to manage your hurt all on your own.  I saw you today.  And when I asked how you were doing, you said fine.  But there was something in your eyes that said you are not.  I asked again. 

"Are you really fine?"

Tears formed at the corners of your eyes and you said that you have your days.  

I have my days too.

I want you to know that right now as I type this, I am praying for you.  I am praying that your heart doesn't have to carry that hurt that is so heavy for much longer.  I'm praying that one day you can let some of it go---maybe to the point that it doesn't weigh you down so much.  

Maybe we can exchange the hurt for something that is lighter. 

Love is lighter.  

And maybe forgiveness too.

But that is hard work.  And if you are not feeling ready or strong enough to trade in your hurt just yet, I understand.  But still I pray for you.  

Love you tons,
Alissa

Good

Dear Friend,

I want you to know that you are good.

God made you.  And you are good.

Doesn't matter if you've done things that are not good.

Doesn't matter if you don't feel that you are good.

God planted goodness in your heart when He made you and your heart is meant for goodness.

Goodness is where your heart will wander if you let it.

It's like the plant on my window sill.   The plant that sits on my window sill is all bent. It's bent because the plant has curved to be nearer to the sunlight.  No one came and bent it towards the light.  The plant automatically knows that it needs the light.

It's the same with you and me.  We know down deep that we were meant for light and goodness.  When we feed the goodness down deep within us, we feel peace.  We feel love.  We feel joy.

The hard part is figuring out how to feed the goodness.  Because it is so much easier to feed our failings and our sins.  It's so much easier to find people who will feed our failings.

I wonder today, how you and I can feed the good part of our hearts.  Maybe by calling that friend who always sees the best in us.  Or maybe by hugging our mom, who drives us crazy, but who is our biggest fan.  Or maybe my silently asking God to help us feel loved.

Whatever it is--I hope it makes you feel your goodness.

Love,
Me