Maybe Your Ugly is Your Beautiful

Dear Friend,

Can I tell you about our backyard?

It's smallish.

But I love it.

It gets afternoon shade.
And it has a Marian grotto surrounded by roses and esperanzas.
There's an old wooden deck.
And a hammock.
Oh and a killer clubhouse for my kids.

The one thing about our backyard though, is that there is this spot where grass refuses to grow.  It's bald and ugly and now in the dead heat of summer, it's growing weeds.

As much as I love spending time in our backyard, I can't stand that spot.  I spend so much time focusing on and lamenting its very existence that sometimes I can't enjoy the rest of the yard. Anytime I take a picture of our kids in the backyard, I pay careful attention, making sure to place them away from that ugly spot, because GOD FORBID someone sees it and judges me and my lawn-care abilities.  

Today as I lay swaying in the hammock, enjoying the afternoon shade, I thought again about the stupid ugly spot. The spot that makes my lovely backyard less than perfect.

I thought about the spot and about you and me.  I thought about our ugly spots.  The things in our lives that get all of our attention because of how imperfect they make us feel.  The things we hide when we smile in the pictures we post.  Our broken relationships.  Our illnesses.  Our anger and our disappointments. Our fear. Our failures.  All the spots in our lives that force out the beauty in our days and take up our energy.

I wondered why our ugly shouldn't be considered beautiful.  I know that for me, the women who inspire me most are the ones who have been to hell and back and have come out stronger, wiser, deeper, steadier.  I wondered why we all try so hard to hide our ugly. What is it about imperfection that makes us want to cover up?  I know that spilling our guts all over social media is not the way, but many of us hide our imperfections from those closest to us. From our friends and our families.  Life is not perfect.  It's messy and hard.  And I wonder what would happen if we would just give each other a break. What if I were to say,

"Friend--here is the backyard of my life--over here are some beautiful flowers, and in this corner is my hammock which happens to be my favorite part.  And friend?  Over here is my ugly spot.  I've tried to make it beautiful but it just hasn't worked quite yet.  In fact. It's growing weeds.  I know it's ugly but could you have a look with me?"

And what if my friend were to say yes.  And maybe she could just sit with me and be with me in the ugly and not try to fix it.  Or maybe if I was ready to begin trying to grow in that area again, she could help me plant seeds.  Or till soil?

What if we helped each other see the beautiful in each other's ugly spots?  Because as it turns out, the ugly spots are valuable.  I know in my own life, the spots that I've been most embarrassed about--the ones that have torn me up--the ones that have brought me to my knees--are also the ones that have brought me to a new place of growth and beauty.   

I am learning I don't have to try so hard to be perfect.  And friend?  Neither do you.  We don't have to look so hard for perfection in ourselves or in anyone else. Because just like my backyard, there is beautiful in everyone.  I have to do a better job reminding myself to give people the room to work through their ugly spots. I've got to look harder and search out the beauty that sometimes they themselves don't even see.  

It's hard for sure, because the world hangs its hat on perfection.  Ugly makes the world uncomfortable and we have been trained to want everything to be okay all the time.  I'm trying to learn how to sit through the uncomfortable and awkward and not try to fix and force everything to be the way I have dreamed it up in my mind.  

My prayer is that you have a safe place to take the hard and ugly parts of your life.  My safe places have been my life savers.  I want you to know that I have profound respect for the battle you wage during your ugly spots.  These ugly spots do not define you, but they do play a big role in growing you and that deserves profound respect.  I hope though, that you can look up from those spots every now and again and see the hammocks, clubhouses, roses and esperanzas of your own life. I pray that the beauty will one day find its way back to being the focus.  And who knows?  Maybe one day, the really ugly--turned--beautiful spots in our lives, will turn out to be the ones we are the most proud of.

Love you in the midst of all the hard,

Alissa  

                                           My Ugly, Beautiful Backyard Spot

When Life Totally Sucks

Dear Friend,

May I be your biggest fan for a moment?  Can I help you to remember that you are utterly and completely amazing and beautiful?  That you are strong and brave?

I was cleaning the stove just now and something told me that I needed to stop, sit down and tell you that it's going to be okay.  This thing you are battling.  It will be okay.  It may not be perfect.  It may not end up exactly as you envisioned, planned or desired it would--but it will be okay.  

And you?  You will be made new.  The thing about this thing that you are battling, is that it may not be something you have any control over.  But I want you to know that whatever it is--it has the power to transform you.  Whatever it is can make you:

stronger.

wiser.

braver.

kinder.

I know it's hard to see it now, but God can use this time to bring you closer to the person you are meant to be. Even though this thing is awful and hard and debilitating.  

And Friend?

You are not alone.  Never.  Not for one millisecond.  Remember that story where Jesus wept?  I love that story because it shows that the Savior who was sinless and blameless was never above feeling our pain.  Remember that story where Jesus was alone in the garden and He asked God to take away the suffering that was before Him if it was at all possible?  That story reminds me that Jesus himself felt alone in his pain and wanted desperately for there to be another way.  Remember that story where Jesus cried out from the Cross: "Why have you abandoned me?"  Having suffered through agonizing pain, humiliation and betrayal, Jesus felt totally abandoned by His own Father. 

This is the same Jesus who walks with you now.  Some days He will remind you just to put one foot in front of the other.  Some days He will remind you to breath.  Some days he will bring a friend to remind you that He loves you.  Friend, if you know nothing at all right now, know that you are not alone.  

You will get through this.  Because you are brave and strong and beautiful and amazing.  You will be made new because Jesus makes everything--absolutely everything--new.  

I'm praying for you now.  I am not using fancy big words to pray--and you don't have to either.  "Jesus, help my friend."  "Jesus, heal my friend."  "Jesus love my friend." -- Yup.  Those prayers about cover it.  

In this together with you,

Alissa

The Time My Friend Talked Me Off the NFP Ledge

Dear Friend,

Did you know it was National NFP week?  Me neither.  My husband actually brought it to my attention after reading an article a priest friend of ours posted.  NFP has been a hot topic around our house for the last year or so. Well actually the last ten years or so.  But before then, I had NO IDEA what it even was. It could have stood for National Federation of Panda-lovers for all I knew.  I had no idea before I got married what an instrumental role NFP would play in my marriage, my sex life, my family life, my health and my trust.

We've had a long and winding path with those three little words: Natural Family Planning. There have been times when NFP in my ears sounded more like &*#$%&@.  In those times NFP has felt like a bad word, a bad idea and sometimes a heavy cross.  And then there have been times when I have thanked my sweet Jesus that NFP was the way my husband and I have always approached our fertility.  Times like when my midwife placed my fifth born on my chest.  The baby I didn't want. The baby that FREAKED ME OUT.  The one who is the current light of my universe.  

We had a major NFP moment just last month. After we had baby five, my husband and I realized that we had gotten majorly sloppy with the NFP model we use: Creighton.  So lazy in fact, that before baby five was conceived, I just went with the, "I pretty much am doing what I am supposed to be doing." approach. Which when you think about it, is pretty idiotic in ANY type of family planning (the pill especially).  Because when it comes to family planning--if you are serious--you've got to give it the proper attention and you have got to be regimented.  Forgetting to take a pill, I've heard, can spell B-A-B-Y in no time.  It's the same with NFP.  If you go at it half-halfheartedly or even worse--half-assedly, the system will not work as it was designed.  Which is exactly what happened when we were surprised with the conception of Baby Five.  Baby Five was not a result of failed NFP, he was a result of failed implementation of it. But because my husband and I decided long ago that the natural way was the only way for us, we have never put any barriers in God's way.  So BAM! God gave us Miracle number five.  

Anyway.  Back to what happened last month.  After the birth of baby five, my husband and I were all like--"Okay babies errywhere is all fun and games, but in our hearts, our pocket book, and in our family life, we have come to peace with the size of our family and would like to avoid pregnancy (those are key terms in NFP--Trying to Avoid vs. Trying to Conceive). So we HIT NFP LIKE NEVER BEFORE.  I'm serious.  We retook classes and we tracked our fertility like the IRS tracks Wesley Snipes.  And after a few months we had it down.  One night as we marveled at the beauty of our chart (Yes. We marveled. Because having your NFP shit together is damn right beautiful), we realized that what they say about NFP is true.  If you practice it the way it was designed, fertility becomes a partnership.  Not just a load for the woman to bare.  The weight to prevent or to conceive does not land solely on her shoulders, but is a joint effort.  And the thing about marriage is, that when all the big things are done jointly, with conversation and careful consideration (ahem-finances anyone?), the marriage is made stronger.  So there we were in the greatest place we had been with our fertility in a long long time. 

 For all of two seconds.  

Then I went to the beach.  The same beach I had been to 2 years prior.  The same one where I had this random cramping that turned out to be implantation cramping.  The cramping that turned out to mean I was unexpectedly pregnant.  And wouldn't you know I had the SAME EXACT CRAMPING. So I did what any sane woman would do: I went pure ape shit.  Because THIS time was so UNLIKE the last time, in that I was so CONFIDENT in what we were doing.  The next step was clear: google like a mother.  And google did what it ALWAYS does:  made it all worse.  My husband noticed I wasn't acting like myself and so I spilled my freaked-out beans.  And he loved me through my crazy.  But you know sometimes you just need a woman to talk you down from your ledge.  So I decided to call a good friend who teaches the Creighton Model we use.  I sat on the porch of the condo and spilled my freaked-out beans all over again.  But this time I had all kinds of facts about my chart and my observations.  My friend had such words of wisdom.  She was so encouraging and brought me such peace.  I hung up feeling better.  Because in my heart I knew that NFP is not a bad word in my life.  It has actually given me my life.  I don't regret the five children we call our own, I adore them.  I have only a profound respect for our fertility and the power that my husband and I have been given to partner with God in the creation of life.  I have only abundant thanksgiving that I have never had to put an artificial anything in my body.  And I have a radical trust in NFP.  Don't all we women have to have a radical trust in the method we choose? Because isn't there a failure rate in it all?  In the pill and the ring and the snip and the wrap-it-up method?  Don't we all know someone who welcomed a baby when all those methods "failed?"  Our method is 98% effective when practiced correctly.  The divorce rate for NFP users is less than 5%.  It's not easy. Just like family life and marriage, it takes sacrifice and diligence.  

As it turns out, there is no Baby Six coming our way.  We would have welcomed a baby because baby five taught us that in the end, babies are just about the best thing ever.  But I won't say we aren't happy that all of our efforts are not misguided--all our trust misplaced.  It is nice to be confident. It's nice after ten years to be able to confidently trust both Science and God to build our family.  

My prayers are with you women out there.  Our fertility is such a great gift and responsibility. My prayer is that if you practice NFP, you have people to confide in.  Over the years I have had many women in my life talk me off the NFP ledge.  It is so important to have women you feel confident talking to honestly and openly.  If you are not practicing NFP but another method, and are interested in giving this all-natural method a try, contact me.  I'll point you to someone who can guide you. Lastly, I urge all of us women to ask questions about the family planning method we use.  What are the risks? What are the consequences?  What are the perks?  Is the method we use making my marriage stronger or driving wedges?  Mostly though friends, I pray that your family life abundantly blesses you. 

Love,
Alissa  

That Time I Decided to Stop Competing {at life}

Dear Friend,

I've been going through this really unique stage in my life where I feel a seismic shift in thinking. It's as if there have been these puzzle pieces in my thoughts that have been swirling around bashing into each other, attempting to fit together--to snap into place.  But up until now, it simply hasn't happened. Each puzzle piece of thought is important so instead of just falling back into the recesses of my mind, they have stayed at the forefront and have continued to bash around, trying desperately to come together to give me the big picture.  And just this afternoon, I feel like the last and final piece of the puzzle jarred into place.  To put it quite simply, I have just recently learned and fell head over heels in love with just one word:

abundance

Isn't it such a beautiful word?  Abundance.  Meaning: An over-sufficient quantity or supply, an overflowing fullness.  This word is making a huge difference in the way I see just about everything and everyone.  Up until now, it's been hard, I mean really hard not to compare myself and everything that being me entails--my family, my successes, my children, my "level" of Catholicism, my goodness--to other women.  

But as the puzzle pieces of my thoughts and feelings have connected, I have realized that just as the Devil uses Fear to drive out Love (and trust and faith and a whole lot of other things), he uses comparison to the same end.  If my knee-jerk feelings and thoughts about the good fortune, blessings or goodness of others is to look at myself and my situation as less or to be envious or jealous of them, Love vanishes.  Love for myself and Love for my neighbor cannot happen if I concern myself with comparison.  The Devil used it when he tricked Eve: "Hey look over here, look at this apple.  Doesn't it look delicious?  Why can't you have it?  Oh it's because God doesn't want you to have what He has. Come on, it's no big deal."

When Eve stopped trusting in the abundance and goodness of what she already had--when she looked away from the plenty that was already at her very feet--the heaven that surrounded her--she lost it all. And the Devil uses the same tactics today:  "Look over here--this woman over here has it all together.  She is well-dressed and her home looks like it was decorated by Nate Berkus himself. Shouldn't you try harder to be like her and have what she has?"  Or he throws even lower blows, "Look how holy this woman is? Look how her children sit so nicely in those pews and recite their prayers without falter.  Don't you think you should work harder at being like her?"

So we look away from our abundance for just a second.  And that is all it takes to make us feel less. It is a double blow to Love:

We forget to love ourselves.  

We forget to love others.   

So I've decided to throw in the white towel so to speak.  I love what author Glennon Melton says when she writes that we women must build a community or sisterhood among us and that this sisterhood is the "phenomenon that occurs when women quit seeing each other as mirrors or reflections of themselves, and start seeing each other as one-of-a-kind works of art.  Sisterhood happens when women view each other as deep wells of support and inspiration--as teammates--instead of competitors."

After reading this phrase the puzzle pieces kind of just clicked.  I thought to myself, "What would happen if I saw every woman in my life as a one-of-a-kind work of art?"  What if I tried to honor them as works of art (because after all, aren't they??) What if I appreciated my own abundance, AS WELL AS, the abundance of others?  What if I attempted to be happy for the goodness happening in the lives around me instead of seeing it as some sort of robbing of my own joy?  What if I celebrated other's successes and gifts rather than seeing them as a knock on my own abilities? What if I, like Glennon Melton writes, started to allow "the divine light in me to see and honor the divine light in you" like Mother Teresa did throughout her entire ministry?

It didn't take long for me to decide what would happen:

Freedom

Freedom to love myself and know that God made me just so.  Freedom to love others and know that God made them too.  Freedom to embrace that there really and truly is abundance--that God has not been stingy with me, with you, with anyone (God has been so abundant with humanity--it is we who have been stingy with each other). Freedom from envy, self-doubt and greed. Freedom to love others without reservation.  

It's not easy.  Of course.  Because the devil is great at making everyone around me look like shiny red apples.  The devil knows that I myself am not so interested in possessions, but in personalities and in abilities.  He shines up all of those abilities and successes of others so well until he catches my attention with their brilliance.  He dangles them in front of me so that I will take my eye off of Love. But now that I know his trick with me, I have begun practicing the recitation of this short prayer:

"Jesus, thank you for Your abundance.  Help me to live abundantly."  

I want to be that person who loves, gives, forgives, appreciates, helps, shows up, lets go, laughs, plays and prays abundantly.  And as it turns out to live abundantly takes practice.  So it's time to roll up my sleeves, and get started. It's high time I start honoring the divine light in everyone.   

Prayers that you too come to know that God made you, just so. And that you are beautiful, wonderful and full of divine light.

Love,

Alissa  

Two Reasons I Couldn't Leave Mr. Wrong

Dear Friend,

There are many days when I look around at my life and wonder how I got here.  I have this sweet little house that I have loved making into our home over the last twelve years, I have five beautiful kids, and I have a husband who is the absolute love of my life.

I know that everything I have is a gift from God.  This life I live.  All the goodness and all the trials that help me grow are gifts from God.  And when I look around at my life, it is clear that the number one vehicle that God has used to give me this life of goodness, is my husband. 

God used and uses my husband to give me this life.  When we pledged our love and commitment to each other and to God twelve years ago, my life was forever changed.  Nothing could have prepared me for the work that would go into building a life together--marriage take so much work and sacrifice--but nothing could have prepared me for the amount of love I would receive from him and our children.  My husband is where it all began. He has helped me build this life on a strong foundation of constant love and sacrifice.  

I've thought a lot about what would have happened if I had gotten what I wanted in my early years of dating. Throughout high school and the early years in college, I dated a young man who just wasn't right for me.  To be fair, I wasn't right for him either.  We were young and there were many red flags that popped up throughout our relationship that should have signaled trouble to me.  Ultimately I did not end up with him.  But it wasn't because I didn't want to.  In fact, I desperately wanted to.  But after five years of dating, he found someone new and got married only a few months later.  It was not I that walked away from something that was unhealthy.  No, I only walked away when I had no other choice.

The question is why not?  Why did it never enter my brain to walk away?  There were so many things about the relationship that were not right. Why was I so intent on staying? In the years since, I have boiled it down to two main reasons:

I lacked honesty and I lacked courage.

First, I was not honest with myself about the relationship.  I was not honest about what the relationship was and what it wasn't.  I fooled myself into accepting a lot of things I knew I didn't want.  I tricked myself into thinking that things would get better.  I let my feelings cloud my judgement. Sure I loved him.  But love is not enough.  I know now that it takes a whole lot more than feelings of love to make a relationship work and to make it healthy.  I was not honest with myself about the relationship because I think deep down inside I knew that if I actually looked at it with my mind instead of with my heart--I would realize that it wasn't good for me.  It wasn't making me into a better person, or even a happy person most of the time.  That realization would have been too much for me.  Because then it would have required me to do something about it. 

And I think I knew that I would rather love someone who wasn't right for me, than love no one at all.  

And this leads me to the second important quality that I lacked--courage.  I stayed with him out of fear.  Fear that the heartache would be too much to handle.  Fear that I would never meet anyone else. Fear that I would have to find a whole new life because for five years we did everything together.  I neglected making friends and building a life of my own because my entire identity was wrapped up in him and in "us."  I wasn't my own person and I knew if I let him go I would have to begin tackling life on my own.  I would have to redo everything and make it work without him and I simply did not have the courage to do that.  He was my movie date, my go-to when I had a fight with my mom, he was my best friend and the one I called when I had a flat tire.  I was afraid that without him I wouldn't be able to function.  

Friend, I write this today because I want you to be honest and brave. When I say it is the difference between life and death, I mean it.  My life today is a life.  Yes there are trying times, but oh my--the beauty.  The beauty is overwhelming.  And it was almost not mine.  This life was almost not mine. Because I was not honest and I was not brave.  Friend, I want you to know that it's okay to set your standard high--to want to be respected and to be cherished.  It is okay to want a good man--a man who will be a good father to your children.  It's okay to want a man who loves Jesus and who will bring you closer to God---this is not too much to ask for.  And friend?  It is okay to walk away.  Does your man always choose what is best for him over what is best for you?  Does your man drink or party too much? Does he often let his anger get the best of him?  Is he overly jealous?  Does he cheat? Does he get by with doing as little work as possible? Does he expect all the work and sacrifice to come from you? If so, do not feel as though it is your job or calling in life to fix all these things.  It's not.   You are not a bad person for wanting a gentleman. You are not crazy for wanting a relationship based on good things.  

When I say choosing to be honest and brave is the difference between life and death, I'm not exaggerating or being melodramatic.  I mean that when we women choose to stay in relationships that are unhealthy and that hurt us on a constant or continual basis, a death of soul occurs.  We become less and less of who we were made to be.  We see less and less of our own goodness.  We expect less love and sacrifice and settle for more and more hurt.  It is a death of soul and often it leads to hurt heaped on our children.  Because bad relationships turn into bad marriages which almost always heap loads and loads of hurt onto our children.  

So friend.  Let today be the day.  Let it be the day when you choose what I did not--choose to be honest with yourself.  Choose to be brave.  Choose to walk away today and give yourself a chance at life.  

Love and prayers for your future,

Alissa

Could HOW You Date Hurt Your Future Marriage?

Dear Friend,

Have I mentioned that I was a Confirmation teacher for twelve years? My job was to prepare high school students for the day they would receive the Holy Spirit and oh how I loved that job.  Mostly I loved it because I loved them.  All of them.  They were smart, creative, focused, searching, challenging. It was such a joy to walk with them. I loved that I had the opportunity to share faith with them during such a "bruitful" time in their lives.  (An author I love calls life brutiful--a mix of beautiful and brutal). Our conversations were often led by questions they had about really important topics.  One such conversation came about on a Sunday morning when we were discussing prom.  Prom season was in full swing and I made mention of how cool I thought it was that several of the students from our leadership program went to prom together as friends.  They all went to different schools so they accompanied each other to all the different proms.  This conversation led to a conversation about dating.  I told them that if I had it my way, none of them would date in high school. 

They of course were incredulous and demanded a reason.  I told them that looking back on my years of dating in both high school and early college, I realized that the only thing I learned from those relationships was:

How to get good at breaking up.

I told them that no one starts dating in 9th grade with the intention of getting married.  So at some point, a break up is inevitable. Which means dating is pretty much entering a situation where in the end, someone is going to get hurt.  The degree of hurt at the end can be anything from a little heart ache for a few days to agonizing pain.  Before you know it, a cycle begins.  We date and break up, we date and break up.  Pretty soon dating becomes just something else we do to fill up time and that space in our heart that longs for something real.  Dating becomes purposeless and pointless.   Add to that the fact that so many dating couples throw sex into the equation, and now you've completely upped the heartbreak ante.  Now not only is there emotional attachment, but physical attachment too.  That is a lot to handle at any age, much less at age 14.  I told my students that in my case, the serious relationships I had in high school didn't help me learn anything other than how to survive a broken heart.

Of course they had comebacks:  Miss Alissa!  It's no big deal. You are making it into something bigger than it is.  Dating doesn't have to be about marriage, it can be just about having fun. 

Isn't that the predominant thought?  Not only with my students, but with most people?  Dating doesn't have to be a big deal.  It is supposed to be fun--exhilarating even. 

But here's the thing:

Movies are about having fun.
Sports and video games...fun, fun, fun!
The occasional roller coaster ride--fun.

But giving your heart away?  And often times your body?  That's not supposed to be fun.  That is serious business. It isn't supposed to be "no big deal" because our hearts actually ARE a big deal.  There is only one heart we are given, one soul and in the case of dating I would err on the side of Proverbs 4:23:

Above all, guard your heart, for everything you do, flows from it. 

That's right.  Guard.  Your.  Heart.  As if it is precious (because it kinda is).  Guard it.  We take better care of our IPhones and expensive shoes than we do our hearts.  But our hearts we hand out to just about anyone in exchange for that feeling that we get when we are noticed and given attention. 

But the thing with our hearts is that they don't easily forget pain.  They have to work through it and heal before they are capable of truly loving someone because love takes so much work.  The mushy feelings fade in and out, but true love is about sacrifice and constantly and consistently putting the good of the other first. It is so much harder loving someone the right way and accepting true, sacrificial love when we have been deeply hurt because our hearts don't recognize authentic love.  My heart sure didn't.  I had a ton of work to put in before I was in good enough shape to get married.  My inability to guard my heart and date with purpose when I was young absolutely affected my early relationship with my husband. 

 

Guarding our hearts is intentional work.  Intentional, meaning, with purpose.  If I were to ask you to guard my one-year-old and upon my return, found you asleep with drool running down your mouth, it would be safe to assume that you were not serious about guarding or did not care what was at stake.  Because being on guard takes focus and attention.  We have to be alert and smart when it comes to our hearts.  How and who you decide to date has everything to do with your future.  If you fall asleep on the job of guarding your heart--know that no one else can or will do the job for you.  And often times by the time you wake up and realize that your heart is the most precious thing you have, you find you have been robbed of much of it's innate goodness and trust.  Putting back together a heart that has been robbed and broken is extremely long and arduous work (ask me how I know).  So may I suggest the following eight ways to guard your heart so as to keep it in the best possible shape?
 

1.  Have friends.  Friendships are some of the most fulfilling relationships in our lives.  Good friends help us navigate life, make positive choices, laugh at ourselves and learn new things.  Sometimes the smartest thing we can do is surround ourselves with good friends and not jump into a relationship with every person we have feelings for. My students once tried to play the "you learn what you want in a future husband by dating a lot" card.  But no.  You don't need your heart broken 500 times to know what you do and don't want.  In fact, having great guy/girl friends (notice I said friends---not friends with benefits) gives you great ideas of what you want your future spouse to be like. 

  

2.  Be transparent.  In other words be honest and open about what you are looking for or not looking for from the beginning.  There is no shame in not wanting to date just for fun.  If you are looking for something that will eventually lead somewhere, it's good to say it. "NO WAY!! THAT SCARES THEM OFF!" you say. Listen, I'm not telling you to propose on the second date.  I'm saying if you are hoping for an enduring relationship and the other person is expecting a two second fling, things are going turn ugly quickly. Honesty in relationship is a lost art.  People would rather text than have a quality conversation about real thoughts and feelings.     

 

3.  Set boundaries.  If the person you are dating is someone you really care for and you feel as though they really care for you, boundaries are super important so that you can help each other with temptations.  If you've decided that you want to wait to have sex until you're married, (which is great and I wrote this post as to why) then you will need to be upfront about that boundary. Boundaries are part of being honest and transparent.  

 

4.  Say goodbye before it's too hard.  Sometimes red flags pop up and we stick around much longer than we should. Sometimes we feel as though the relationship is right but circumstances (distance, jobs, other responsibilities) make the relationship really difficult.  Sometimes we flat out know it's bad for us, but we stay.  It takes lots of maturity and courage to look at something that isn't right and let it go before it becomes too hard to let go.   

 

5.  Don't lose yourself. Love has a way of making idiots out of us.  The feelings of wanting and being wanted often times totally outweigh the common sense or reason we once had.  We often lose who we are in the mushiness of it all.  However the goals, interests, people, and future we hold close should not be gone in a snap of a finger, but instead should be valued in the relationship.  The person we are dating should help make us a better version of ourselves, not turn us into someone we not only don't like, but don't even recognize.  It is important that you are bringing each other up, not down.

  

6.  Realize that this person is someone's somebody.  The person you are dating is someone's sister or brother.  Someone's daughter or son.  The person you are dating could very well be someone else's future husband or wife.  Your job is not only to guard your heart, but theirs too.  Somewhere out there is your beloved.  And I know you would want whoever is dating them to treat them with dignity and respect before they ever make it to you. The bummer thing is that we are not very gentle with each other.  We use each other up and spit each other out when we get what we need.  But maybe if we see each other as Someone's Somebody, we will be more careful with each other's hearts.   

 

7.  Raise the bar.  I once asked one of my teens if the young man she was dating was good to her.  She responded earnestly that he was so good to her.  And then she proceeded to list all the things he had bought her that month.  Don't get me wrong.  Gifts are nice.  But the same guy wouldn't go to Mass with her when she asked and got jealous every time she went out with her friends.  You have every right to set that bar for your heart high.  Expect to be respected and honored.  Expect sacrifice and care.  Expect honesty and goodness.  I wish so much that these things were commonplace, but so often they are not.  Raising the bar doesn't mean making someone jump through hoops of perfection, but it does mean realizing that you are worth authentic love. 

  

8. Find Courage.  And finally--It takes a ton of courage to live the dating life differently than the world expects you to.  Going against what "everyone is doing," is so hard.  But there are resources out there to help you.  Namely--God.  He is one amazingly awesome resource.  Staying close to God--offering Him your relationships and asking Him to guide you (and then listening to His guidance) is key.  Visiting Him at Mass every Sunday and taking that time to be with Him and hand over your love life is the best investment of one hour you will ever make. If you can't talk to God about what is going on in your relationship, it's time to figure out why.  Because no one loves you more than God and no one wants your happiness more than He does. He knows how to help you find the courage to guard the precious heart He gave you.  

 

 

Praying for the person who will one day receive your unguarded heart,

Alissa





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Don't Be Afraid To Ask Your Man To Do This

Dear Friend,

Do you ask your man to do all manner of things?

I do.

Poor guy.  I ask him to drop by the store and get things:

"Uh, honey?  Can you pick up those cookies I like on your way home?  You know the ones that have milk chocolate and white chocolate, but not peanuts--cuz peanuts in cookies are seriously gross--and can you get some milk, but not the fat free kind, because it's like water with white food coloring--on second thought, yeah go ahead and get the fat free--it'll offset the four billion calories I'll consume when I eat the entire bag of cookies."

I ask him to open jars I can't open (but only after I have tried to open it one thousand times, because you know I ain't going out like that...until I have to go out like that).

Sometimes I ask him to do something without even opening my mouth.  Like the evenings he walks through the door and I hand a cranky baby to him and walk away before he even sets down his stuff.  This clearly says, "Can you take this human being away from me while I go find a nice alcoholic beverage to inhale or maybe go for a run?  Or perhaps inhale an alcoholic beverage while I go for a run?"

He is so good.  He rarely says no.  He loves me, and so if I need something, it is important to him that he comes through.

Recently I found out that he does something I've only asked him to do a handful of times, but which apparently he does quite frequently--and that is:

 Pray for me.

Friday evening, after we put the kids to bed, we began our nightly ritual.  We usually find a comfy place on the couch, scroll for far too long before deciding on what to watch on Netflix, or dig up some dessert and just enjoy quiet time without our five lovely distractions.  Anyway, I felt as though we had been missing each other a lot and wanted to catch up before we moved on to Episode 8 of Duck Dynasty.

I was going on about my week and I started talking to him about something he knew I have been struggling with and all of the sudden he cut in and said, "Yeah, I was talking to God about you today and I was like...."

I have no idea what he said after those first words because I started crying.  Thick tears gathered at the corners of my eyes and began to roll down my cheeks as he continued to speak.  When he finished his thought he looked up to find me wiping my tears away.

"Baby," he said softly, "what happened?  What's wrong?"

I explained that even though I know I have asked him now and again to pray for me, I didn't realize that he actually did it.  For me to imagine him driving to work and talking to God about me was too much.  Prayer is so intimate and for him to talk about me with God was really, well, for lack of a better word, romantic.

And can I just say, that I kinda felt an extra peace in the days leading up to this exchange?  When I couldn't find the words or the time to ask God for help with whatever was weighing me down,  my husband was doing it for me and I was feeling the effects.   

So friend.  If you ask your love for help with dinner and the kids and help changing your tire--perhaps you could add asking him to pray for you and then tell him what you need prayers for.  You never know, it may be just the thing to add something special to your relationship.  I know for me, even after all these years of being married, it certainly did. 

Praying for you and your beloved,

Alissa

The Reasons I Got Married in the Catholic Church and Not The JP

**Major Disclaimers**

The following is an account as to why my husband and I chose marriage within the Catholic Church. It is not a knock on couples who choose to marry through the Justice of the Peace or other traditions. I know many couples, married through all types of institutions who have beautiful marriages, full of love and fidelity.  This is not to say I think marriage through the Church is better, this is only to explain why it was important to me.


Dear Friend,

I know we haven't known each other long, but may I tell you something about myself that I don't talk about much?

My parents divorced when I was seven.  My mom and dad have the biggest hearts on the planet and they love me and my brothers so much.  I have never ever questioned that fact.  But the divorce was hard on all of us.  Isn't it always?  No matter the circumstances that surround divorce, isn't it just plain hard on everyone?

I don't think it is important to go into the details of that time in my life.  But what I want you to know is that the word marriage became a complicated word for me.  I didn't dream of what it would be like to meet Mr. Right, I didn't oooooo and ahhhhh over the idea of a frilly wedding.  And in fact, after a really difficult breakup right after high school, I wasn't even sure marriage was for me.

I had seen what happened to my own parents and was afraid of my own future.  After all, it's not like they chose that path.  Does anyone sign up for that kind heartache?  It just sort of...happened.  It happened to two really loving, committed people who had great examples of married parents to look to.  I know for a fact that my parents would have done anything to make things work out beautifully, but so much of what happened was out of their control.  I decided at a very young age that marriage is one big experiment.  A roll of the die.  No one knows for sure when they marry if things will work out.  I needed a guarantee, and since no one could give me one, marriage became one of those things I decided I probably could live without.

That is until I happened upon the love of my life.

Meeting him sent me into a whirlwind of feelings.  Here I was with this guy who was unlike anyone I had ever met.  He was faithful and charming and he had this smile with these dimples!  It didn't take long before I felt like I could no more exist without air than I could exist without him.  SO CHEESY I KNOW!  I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and this meant I needed to reconsider my stance on marriage. So I began seriously paying attention to the married people in my life.  I wanted to have a clearer idea of what I was getting myself into.  I didn't really get any monumental ideas on the key to a lasting marriage but what I did notice was an idea that has remained with me since then:

Happy marriage, happy life.

Unhappy marriage, unhappy life.

Seriously. It was like no matter how much a person advanced and succeeded in life, at jobs or in their social life--if their marriage was a mess, everything else suffered.  And conversely, if a couple struggled financially or had major tragedies come up, but their marriage was strong, it was as if they had this unshakable love that thrived and made life beautiful no matter what.  It seemed to me that the state of the marriage kind of set the tone for everything else.  It was THAT important.  

I made up my mind that if I worked at nothing else, I would work at making a strong marriage.  It was around this same time I found myself learning more and more about what the Church teaches about sex and marriage.  The more I learned, the more I started to desire to be married within the Catholic Church.  Not because my grandma or mom or anyone else wanted me to or would be disappointed if I didn't.  And not because I wanted to get married in a beautiful church with pretty windows. No, I wanted to be married in the Catholic Church because I was determined to find some sort of marriage insurance.  As far as I could tell, getting married within the Church was as close as I was ever going to get to purchasing marriage insurance.

I know what you must be thinking.  There is no such thing as marriage insurance.  But let me explain. I knew getting married in the Church wouldn't prevent things from going wrong---just like car insurance doesn't prevent an accident from happening--but the Church was offering so much wisdom and guidance to make sure we had tools to get through what may happen.

So what was the Church offering that swayed me?  A whole lot.  But these 2 things were (and remain) the bread and butter:

ONE:  The Church Has Got Our Backs:  Marriage in the Catholic Church is considered a union that is indissoluble--meaning, "unable to be destroyed."  So from the get go, there is this idea that what you are getting into is something that is considered so incredibly sacred that it is to remain intact.  You may be thinking, "But doesn't any kind of marriage vow basically say the same thing?" Well, yes and no.

Yes, most anyone who gets married says, "until death do us part."  But the real weight comes behind WHO you are saying those words to.  Sure you are saying them to each other, but in a justice of the peace ceremony, you are also saying those words to a human judge who has absolutely no authority or desire to help you live up to your promise.  But in a sacramental marriage you are entering a covenant, not only with your beloved, but also with God.  I ABSOLUTELY LOVE what the Church says about this.  Check this out:

The marriage bond has been established by God himself in such a way that a marriage concluded and consummated between baptized persons can never be dissolved.  This bond, which results from the free human act of the spouses and their consummation of the marriage is a reality, henceforth irrevocable, and gives rise to a covenant guaranteed by God's fidelity.  The church does not have the power to contravene this disposition of divine wisdom. (CCC 1640)

SAY WHAT?  In plain English this says:  Listen y'all.  God Himself invented and instituted the marriage bond. When a man and woman come together before God of their own free will, make a promise to be one, and later give themselves to each other as a sign of their unity--God guarantees He will be a part of their union and WE WOULD BE FOOLS TO CONTRADICT ANYTHING GOD HAS GUARANTEED.

Basically the Church says, we do not have the power to dissolve what God has joined, whereas the world says, just sign here and you can get rid of this person forever.  This to me was so big because here the Church was saying to me, "The bond between you and your husband is so sacred and so special, it is designed to be forever.  We recognize this and will do our part to help you get there."  I took this to mean that the Church had my back when it came to my marriage and almost twelve years later I can honestly say that the Church has been instrumental in keeping us not only together, but growing in love and sacrifice.  

TWO:  God Has Got Our Backs:  By promising His loyalty us, God is promising that we are not alone in this work.  In fact the Church says that when spouses enter into a covenant with Christ the day they are married, "Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another's burdens, to be 'subject to one another out of reverence for Christ' and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love." (CCC 1642)

I am living proof this is true.  My husband and I have endured some gut wrenching times in our marriage and have come out stronger and more in love.  The power to get through these hard times was not power we found on our own, but instead was from Christ Himself.  He said He would supply what we needed to make our way through this vocation and He meant it.  Again, the Church is offering something a human judge in a human court cannot--Supernatural Support for all that marriage brings.

None of this is to say that people who get married through the Catholic Church do not divorce or that marriage is not at all a gamble.  I am only twelve years into this and I cannot say with 100% certainty that things will not get to a point where my husband and I will have to divorce.  There are two of us.  Two personalities, two people who process things differently, two ways of dealing with joy and sorrow--two people who have to work on it until death do us part.  We cannot force each other to work or to stay.  And that is scary.

But having already been through trying times, I can say with 1000% certainty that our Sacrament has saved us so far.  That we HAVE turned to God and to people--priests, friends, ministers--within the Catholic Church when we have been in trouble and they have come through in ways I will never adequately be able to explain or thank them for.  Like the time we were struggling and my husband called one of our favorite priests not knowing he was visiting family in England and he not only answered the call and talked with him, but to this day finds time to check in on us.

This my dear homegirls is what you get when you and your beloved sign up for married life with God.  You don't get a guarantee, but you get an army of people who will love you, pray for you and with you.  You get a Church you can enter, any day of the week, and spend time praying and pouring out petitions on behalf of you and your beloved.  But most of all my friend, you get a loving Father who is even more invested in your happiness than you are.  A Father who has the power that no human does---the power to heal, renew, strengthen and love--when you cannot.

Prayers for you AND your beloved,
Alissa

The Best Explanation Anyone Ever Gave Me About Why We Keep Sex for Marriage

***Disclaimer***

The Catholic Homegirl Blog is geared towards Catholic Homegirls, i.e. women who are trying to live out the teachings of the Catholic Church.  The following letter is written with love for those who are trying to work out for themselves why the Church teaches that sex is reserved for sacramental marriage. 

Dear Friend,
Did you know that the Catholic Church still teaches that sex is reserved for people who have first celebrated the Sacrament of Marriage?

I KNOW!

IN THIS DAY AND AGE!

SHE WON'T JUST LET IT GO!

WHATTHA???

But WHY won't she let it go?  Why won't she just get with the times already?  Well, in all my years of attempting to be a faithful Catholic, there are a few things I've come to learn regarding my beloved Church and her teachings:

1) The Church does not concern herself with keeping up with fads.  That's precisely why you don't see the pope sporting skinny jeans when they are all the rage.

2)  The Church is led by the Holy Spirit.  Yes, the Church is imperfect.  It is made up of knuckleheads like myself who sin and make mistakes, but it is led by the Holy Spirit who is Himself perfect.  There is this cool verse in the bible where the Holy Spirit descends on the disciples who had locked themselves in a room.  The disciples were hold up and scared because of the way Jesus had died.  They knew they were next because they were His best friends.  Once the Holy Spirit descended upon them they never looked back.  They were empowered and were given the wisdom and courage needed to take the gospel to the ends of the earth.  It is this same Holy Spirit which guides the Church today, over 2000 years later.

3) There is always an explanation behind what the Church teaches.  I mean ALWAYS.  The answer is never the one I give my kids when I am all out of explanations (Just cuz y'all)!  If someone were to have beef with what the Church teaches on anything, they could go to a reliable source (TMZ not being one of them) and find out the WHY behind the WHAT that they disagree with.  Many people choose not to do that.  Often someone will hear something they think the Church teaches, decide we are a Church made up of a bunch of hateful, judgmental people and then banish us from their lives forever.

I can't set the record straight on all the misunderstood teachings of the Church--the baby is only napping for twenty more minutes and the laundry is calling my name in a bad way--BUT, I can certainly try to shed a little light on this whole, "no sex before marriage" thing.

The current popular teaching with regards to what the Church teaches about sex goes something like this:

"The Catholic Church, which is made up of a bunch of old geezers who hate women and people in general, has come up with the rule that sex is bad and therefore should not be had by anyone at anytime for any reason except to have fourteen billion kids.  The end."

To which I respond: Um no.

The Church's teaching on saving sex for marriage is based on the idea that sex is good, holy and created by God Himself.  God who is loving and wants what is good for us created it.  So no, the Church does not teach that sex is bad.  Quite the opposite actually.

The best way anyone has ever explained this misunderstood teaching to me was back when I was taking Confirmation classes.  I didn't get confirmed until I was 22, so when I took the class, I was an adult.  I found the entire class intriguing.  My instructor was a total boss.  He took such lofty ideas and made them easy to understand.  One evening when someone asked why, even if you are in a committed relationship, the Church teaches that sex is reserved for sacramental marriage, we were all eager to learn his answer.  He simply stated:

You are saying with your body what you have not yet said with your life.

You could have heard a pin drop.  He went on to explain that sex says, I am yours--totally.  It says, I give myself to you and hold nothing back.  But if you have not also said this with your life, you degrade sex to merely a physical act and it is so much more.  Sex is a sign of total union.  God designed us with this unity in mind when He created our bodies to literally fit together and become one.  In the Sacrament of Marriage you make a promise to each other and to God to stick with it through all the good and bad that comes your way.  The sacrament is a sacred bond between the couple and God.  In marriage, a man and woman commit to a total giving of themselves. That commitment says: even when I'm angry, even when this gets hard, even when I don't want to, I am here to stay.  I am here to love you.  And God is here to help us.

What you say with your mind and heart on the day you marry, you say with your body when you later give yourselves to each other.

People these days make commitment sound like it's a bad thing.  But the commitment part of marriage is what makes people stick around, not the foofy love stuff.  There are days when you stick around not because your heart flutters, but because you committed yourself to this person.  There have been times in my own marriage where one of us is sick and tired of the trudge and would rather be doing anything other than working on staying together and working things out. But we signed up to see it through.  To give each other all that we both have. And THAT is what sex signifies:

Sex says: Not only is my body yours, but my life is yours too. I have signed up for a total and constant giving of myself to you.

There are those who will say, "Whatever.  Sex is fun and it means nothing and to make it a big deal is just a total bummer." That may be true for some people, but I'd argue that for most women, sex does mean something.  We do want it to be special and would love to see it as a symbol of unity.  The kind of unity that lasts. Many of us understand that sex is a special giving of ourselves.  We know that we are trusting another person with all we are.  The real bummer is that we live in a time where if we DO happen to think sex IS special, we are often looked at as if we are some sort of weirdo from another planet.  If we feel something tugging at us not to give ourselves to just anyone, the thinking is that the guy we are currently dating has every right to make for the door because he deserves to be "kept happy."  We aren't allowed to believe that sex is a big deal.  Even if deep down we really and truly believe it is.

And if we do find someone we love who feels the same way we do about sex, and we both decide to wait, let's not even talk about how difficult the actual waiting part is.  Because it is.  No one is denying that fact. It takes heroic virtue, a ton of grace and a whole lot of strength.  It takes a big ol' huge commitment from both people to make it to that coveted wedding night.  But you know what?  I think deciding to wait, and going through the effort and prayer that it takes to make it through that time is a perfect way to practice how to be married (not that there is no sex in marriage--no, a healthy marriage has plenty)!  Why? Because marriage constantly and continually asks the spouses to sacrifice for the good of the other.  It is putting the happiness and holiness of the other person before your own desires.  It takes a ton of effort, but isn't anything of great value worth all the effort?

I know it is pretty annoying to hear all of this from an old woman with five kids who is already way into married life.  But I want you to know it is possible.  It's possible to claim the beauty of sex and make it mean something.  Even if you haven't in the past.  You can choose your new beginning.  You and your boyfriend can.  You and your fiance can.  You can decide to wait.

Wait and say with your life first, what you will say with your whole self forever.

Love and prayers,
Alissa

Why I Dated the Wrong Guys

Dear Friend,

Do you know someone who is in a relationship with a guy who is all wrong for her?  Not wrong because they are not compatible, but wrong because of the way he treats her?  Maybe he is jealous or unkind.  Maybe he parties too much or sacrifices too little.  Do you listen to her cry after he has hurt her for the millionth time and wish you could help her see the light? Do you tell her to leave him and feel your heart sink when she takes him back (again)?

Long ago, I was that girl.  I was the girl who dated the wrong guys.  And more specifically I dated one wrong guy for a really long time.  I've heard it said that girls go for bad boys because of some sort of love that is lacking in their life.  They say these girls don't feel loved, so any love will do.  But I'm not so sure.  In my case I knew I was loved.  I was raised in a great big family who showered me with love.  My mom and I were particularly close and I had strong relationships with other family members I knew I could count on.  So why did I stick with a guy who made me cry all the time?  At first I think it was because I really and truly loved the guy.  On the rare occasions we weren't fighting, I really enjoyed his company.  We had fun together and we liked so many of same things.  But when things were bad, they were really bad.  Jealousy, anger and manipulation played big roles in our relationship.  I didn't make him a better person, nor did he make me one.  We often tore each other down and routinely said things we knew were hurtful.  But no matter how terrible things got, I never wanted to be without him.  Part of the reason I stayed was because I was so invested it was hard for me to figure out a way to leave.  But part of it was that I could not imagine a love that looked any differently.

So if I was loved and I knew I was loved by my family, why would I stay with someone who clearly didn't love me the right way--someone I did not love the right way?  Eighteen years after that volatile relationship ended, I finally think I know the underlining reason I stayed.

It was because even though I knew I was loved, I did not know I was worthy.

Worthy.  As in deserving.  

I think underneath it all, I didn't really and truly believe I deserved anything better.  

It has taken me a long time and many conversations with a devoted husband, true friends, and a incredibly loving God for me to begin to understand that I am worthy.  

It goes something like this:  God made me.  Not only did He make me, but He loves me.  Infinitely.  More than I could ever even begin to imagine.  He wants forever be with me and is always chasing after me.  A Father like that only seeks to give His daughter good things.  Beautiful friendships.  Extravagant love.  Abundant blessings.  Back when I was in the middle of that difficult relationship, I didn't know much about God and really had no idea that He wanted to give me so much more than I was giving myself.  No one could have convinced me that I deserved more because I didn't have a clue more existed and even if it did, I'm not sure I would have believed it would want me.  After all, I had a ton of faults and had made so many mistakes.  

Even though I clung to that relationship with all I had, in time it ended.  Not long after, something remarkable happened.  I met some people who introduced me in a more profound way to God and His Church.  Slowly but surely I started to see my value.  I started to see that I am so very valuable to God.  Once I began to learn how important I am in God's eyes, it was easier to learn how to love and receive love. Real love.  Sacrificial love.  My husband and I are by no means perfect. Our love has faltered and cracked, but we have such a spectacular model of selfless, giving, amazing love to imitate.   

So if you know that girl.  The one who time after time chases the wrong guy, don't just remind her that she is loved, remind her that she is worthy.  And then, introduce her to the One who will forever and always Love her with the most perfect and unending Love she will ever know.  

Love you, 

Alissa

Papa Francis

Dear Homegirl,

Pope Francis is the bomb.  

You should follow him on Twitter. 

He's not on Instagram just yet.  

But he tweets stuff like:

May we try to listen and be silent in order to make space for the beauty of God.

and:

A Christian brings peace to others. Not only peace, but also love, kindness, faithfulness and joy.

Yeah, so you should totally follow him.

That is all.

Love,
Alissa