What Prince Charming Looks Like in Real Life.

Dear Sister,

Lately there has been this one song by Daya that plays alllllllll the time.  It often gets stuck in my head and I find myself singing the hook as I wash dishes or fold laundry:

"Where do the good boys go to hide away, hide away?"

The first verse is just as catchy as the hook:

"Boys seem to like the girls
 who laugh at anything.
The ones who get undressed
 before the second date."

And I'm thinking: Sing it, Girl. SING IT.  Because Amen and Alleluia.  

And honestly:  Where DO the good boys go to hide away these days?

I've had this question asked to me by so many young ladies, I have lost count.

Are they at the club?  Or church?  Or the grocery store?  Or maybe the library?

The answer is yes.  They are in all those places.

But I think maybe the things that make them a "good" guy or someone's future Prince Charming are not so easily noticed without one key ingredient:

Friendship.

Don't get me wrong.  I get the desire to have this "we locked eyes from across the room and instantly knew that we were meant to be," experience.  But when I look around at a lot of my old married friends--I can honestly say that a good number of these couples started out as friends.

Sometimes one had even "friend-zoned" the other, just to end up finding themselves in love AFTER a beginning of true friendship.

If you think about what good friendship IS made up of--honesty, respect, care, investment---and what it IS NOT made up of-- pressure, stress, games, awkwardness---it's easy to see why friendship is actually a really beautiful, really vital part of any romantic relationship. Because love at first sight may sound amazing and dreamy and all that jazz, but I guarantee, it is the stuff that is born out of a sincere respect for the other person that is the good stuff.

And a sincere respect comes for really knowing the person.
And really knowing a person comes from profound friendship (incidentally this is the way we fall in love with Jesus--profound friendship.)  

The honest truth is that good, strong marriages cannot live on butterfly feelings alone--and there will be some days when one or both people don't "feel" like staying married.  In those times, what can carry a couple is the stuff that makes up the very foundation of relationship---faith, commitment, and yes friendship.

My own Prince Charming looked at first like my roommate's high school best friend.  He was a guy who didn't even live in the same town as me--so even though I found him super cute--it never occurred to me that we could date. But he was a guy who always treated me with such kindness and respect when we hung out.  He was someone who made me laugh out loud.  He was the guy who looked beyond my embarrassment at not knowing how to dance and pulled me on the dance floor. Our beginning was a sweet, honest, true friendship. And all these years later, that same guy is my very best friend and also the absolute love of my life.  The same things that made him a good friend then, makes him my BEST friend now.  He is my biggest fan, my other half--the person I count on for truth, love, goodness, growth, fun....and a ton more.  He is my ultimate Prince Charming.  Our deep friendship--our mutual respect has played a part in making me fall head over heels in love with him again and again.

I'm not saying that every friend you meet is destined to be your Prince Charming. But I do think there is something to be said about going out into the world and pursuing deep and abiding friendships.  I think having guys in your life who love and respect you as a friend is a win win situation.  Both of you get someone who comes without crazy strings and insane expectations.  And friendships like that may turn out to be the beginning of something beautiful.

Always in your corner,
Alissa

SAFE SEX

Dear Sister,

I was watching one of my favorite shows last night on Netflix.  In the episode, the main character, Jane, has this crush on her old academic advisor and after a few embarrassing exchanges, finds out that he is actually interested in her too.

He asks her out and before long (2 dates), things escalate.  But here is the thing.  She is 24 and is a virgin.  And she is a virgin on purpose.  Meaning she wants to wait to have sex until she is married.

VIRGINITY.  ON TV!!!!  I KNOW!!! CRAZY, right?

But Jane's hormones are raging and she has decided it is time.  With no husband prospects in her life, she has decided that she cannot wait any longer.  She decides to accept the advisors prospect for "something casual."

But when the fateful moment arrives, and he grabs a condom--there in the heat of the moment--Jane begins to cry.  She tries to pull it together, but the tears just keep pouring out.

She can't go through with it.

Her night of casual "safe" sex is not to be.

This exchange started me thinking about that phrase that gets used so flippantly.

"Safe sex."

When you google the phrase--you get back what we have all heard since we were in middle school--safe sex is peddled to us as a way to help prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

But sister.  I think we have missed entirely something that was made so apparent last night when I watched that episode:

Sex is not something that is just supposed to be safe for our bodies.

Sex is so much more than the sterile, disconnected, functionality of "safe sex."

Sex is supposed to be something that is also safe for our hearts and our souls.  The yearning deep within to give ourselves completely and totally to someone and to receive that person completely and totally--well that desire was written into our very existence.

We don't want to merely be kept safe from disease--we want to kept safe from abandonment, loss, and being made an object that is discarded after its use.  We want a guarantee that we can freely give ourselves to someone with the understanding that our entire person--heart, mind, soul, body--will be kept safe.

I don't find it odd that Jane started to cry--that something deep inside told her that although her physical desires were strong--they were not the only desires within her.  I actually found it touching and refreshing that the old worn out story line--the one where no-strings-attached, casual sex is portrayed at every blink on every channel--was shaken up a little.

So sister, if you are out there reading this and you are wondering if you are worth the kind of sex that you can never regret--if you are wondering if it is even a possibility that there are men who are willing to guarantee the safety of your mind and heart and body and soul--by offering you a ring, a promise, and his life---I am here to tell you that YOU ARE and IT IS.  It is not a fairy tale and it is not a lie--and it dang sure ain't a joke.

Beautiful, real, safe, holy, sex is brought about by beautiful, real, holy, safe, sacrificial love.

Don't settle for any less.

You deserve the very best.  And so does he.

Love,
Alissa

10 + YEARS OF NFP: MY 8 REALITIES

Dear Sister,

Can I call you sister?  I mean, we've been friends for a while. 

And this post will be kind of intimate--so I think we should move our relationship into the "sisters in Christ" level?

Yes?

Okay.  So my husband and I will celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary next month which means we have been practicing Natural Family Planning for almost 14 years (I started charting months before our wedding in order to...ahem...have things ready to go for the honeymoon).  I thought that maybe writing a few thoughts down might help anyone out there who is just beginning NFP.  But I have to begin with a MAJOR DISCLAIMER. These realities are MY OWN.  These are the observation I have made about NFP based on OUR experiences.  In our attempt to learn, understand and implement the Catholic Church's teachings on openness to life, we have fallen, been confused and have not always had it all right--but here we are, 14 years later going strong, so I thought maybe our realities could help you build yours. 

1.  METHODS MATTER:  It was really and truly important for us to become well versed in the method of our choosing.  We chose the Creighton Model long ago and we have stuck with it over the years.  If at the beginning we were not comfortable with it, I am certain we would have switched to another method.  It was really valuable that we took all the classes/sessions available in the method because they provided invaluable information which served to make us way more confident in what we were doing. Picking a method we were both comfortable with has made all the difference. Having experts (practitioners) we have been able to turn to with questions has been invaluable. 

2.  NFP VS OPENNESS TO LIFE:  Recently I began understanding that sometimes the terms "Open to life" and "NFP" are used interchangeably.  That is--a couple will say that they practice NFP, but when asked what method they use, the answer is something along the lines of "we are going to take however many children God gives us."  This is an incredibly beautiful, wonderful, sacrificial approach which many families ascribe to. However, these families generally don't chart or practice a certain method of NFP, but depend on breastfeeding, cycles etc to naturally space children.  This is different than practicing a certain method to space children for any number of reasons (finances, illness, mental health, etc). It is still considered being "open to life" when using a method to avoid pregnancy, as the couple is not using any means to take the procreative aspect out of conjugal love.  Neither is more right than the other, but it has been important to note that these terms are different because we needed to decide which approach was right for us.

3. OH FOR THE LOVE, I NEEDED SOMEONE WHO PRACTICES OUR WAY: Because OH MY GOODNESS--having someone who gets what we are doing has been one of the best ways to navigate this part of our family life.  There have always been struggles and questions and joys and sorrows--having someone who gets us has worked wonders for our confidence and sanity. Talking with other women who practice NFP has been good--but talking with other women who practice Creighton has been AWESOME.

4.  INFERTILITY AND HYPERFERTILITY:  Practicing NFP has been one of the most worthwhile endeavors of my life, but it has also been one of the hardest.  It takes so much sacrifice, but it also produces so many spiritual blessings. It has been important to note that there is not a "one size fits all" type of experience.  One of the most frustrating things about making it known that you practice NFP is the crazy looks and rash judgments you sometimes receive from all sorts of people.  Everyone from doctors, to onlookers at stores seem to want to add their two cents.  But beyond that, it is frustrating to hear people of your own faith make assumptions, assertions, and observations about your family life based on your family size. If a family has a ton of kids--the assumption is that the couple is irresponsible--too few and the couples is not open enough.  I have so many friends who have struggled with infertility or hyperfertility and who have been brought to tears with comments about their family size. In the last 10 plus years, I've learned that a family's experience with NFP is just that---their experience. It's not my job--or anyone else's to have opinions about something that is so deeply personal.

5.  MY SPOUSE IS MY GREATEST ALLY:  When we were starting a family using Creighton, I did a lot of the heavy lifting of tracking our fertility.  My husband kind of  knew what was going on, but since we wanted a bunch of kids, it wasn't really that necessary for him to know what was really going on.  Or so I thought.  It turns out the greater involvement my husband has had in charting and tracking our fertility--the greater our confidence in NFP and the stronger our marriage. The Creighton Model makes it a point to teach that fertility belongs to the couple--not just the woman.  It takes the couple to make a baby--it should always be an "us" thing when approaching fertility.  Just as with finances or big decisions--family planning has worked best for us when we both have a stake in the process.  If it is just me charting, observing, figuring out--and the bulk of the weight of family planning falls on me--just like it would with the pill, ring, or patch---it often gets too much.  It can be really overwhelming to feel as though you are the sole person responsible for welcoming or avoiding new life.  When my husband and I are truly partners in this NFP thing--when we are both responsible for the planning of this family--our trust in both the method and each other grows. 

6.  GET BEHIND ME, CATHOLIC GUILT:  In all areas of my faith life, I have decided that guilt is not a viable reason to do anything.  Not Mass, or confession, or tithing.  No--practicing what the Church teaches has got to be motivated by a sincere desire to grow in holiness  (i.e. nearness to God) and has got to be motivated by love.  So I go to Mass--not out of guilt--but out of love of God and out of a desire to grow in love.  Same thing for confession.  I go to confession because I love my fellow man, and I have hurt him and God through sin and I want to make amends.  Ideally, I want to practice NFP out of love for my spouse and out of love and trust of God.  This is the ideal I shoot for.  It is not easy.  By any means.  I am human and I make decisions out of fear or guilt or worry all the time, but the aim is love and holiness.     

7.  IT IS SO HARD:  So the honest realities for me about the things that have been the hardest:  There was the time we got real lazy and weren't charting and got pregnant unexpectedly with Baby Five. That was scary because it was the first time I didn't feel in control and had to really trust that God was in the mix. There have been the times when stress, or major shifts in physical activity has delayed my period and I've had a MELT DOWN because I thought I was pregnant again.  There is the self control that it takes to not have sex when we are trying to avoid pregnancy, but really want to be intimate. There is the worry of what will happen as I get older and things are not as predictable as they have been.

8.  IT IS SO WORTH IT:  When I look at our five kids and our marriage, I can say without a doubt that practicing NFP has played a major role in getting us where we are.  We have five beautiful children and our marriage has never been stronger.  Our family life is the single greatest joy of our lives. I don't believe for one moment that we would have been open to having all of these kids without the Church's teaching and I owe the life I live today to God and the wisdom He has given to the Church.  Baby Five is the best proof I have of this. He is here because we have always been open to life.  And he has added indescribable joy to our lives.  I have never put one artificial anything in my body which makes me feel pretty dang awesome. There have never been any barriers between my husband and I and that is just pretty dang beautiful.  There has been a greater trust of God and His plan for our family-- because as it turns out--He knows what He is doing. There has been a sincere awe in knowing my body, how it works and having the ability to predict everything associated with our fertility.  I have grown in such love of my husband because he has been willing to learn and grow right along with me.  He knows just as much about our fertility as I do.

At the end of the day, your experience will not be exactly like ours.  Its important to know that it will not all be easy.  But I truly believe that God reads our hearts and our intentions and extends His grace to help us grow in holiness.  I do, after all these years, believe that openness to life is a beautiful way to grow in holiness and trust.

Praying for you, your spouse (or future spouse).

Love,
Alissa

The Mean Girls Who Wrecked Me In Middle School

Dear Friend,

It's taken me a couple of decades, but I've finally figured out the mean girls in middle and high school. I used to think that they found joy in tormenting me--that it made them feel big every time they made me feel small.

And maybe that was part of it, but now that I am all grown-up and have experienced what healthy friendships look and feel like--I'm realizing that a big part of what caused those girls to bully me, was that we girls have always been conditioned to see other girls as competitors if we don't first see them as companions. I didn't fit into their mold of acceptable anything. I was skinny and awkward and I laughed way too loud. And since I wasn't deemed worthy of companionship, I was shipped to the outer banks of competition. It was the proverbial GAME ON. Anything I did remotely well was seen as another reason for an eye roll or sneer. Which in turn made me feel as though there was something inherently and incredibly wrong with my very self.

When I read this post from one of my favorite authors, this line especially stuck out: "We talked about all the messages girls get about staying small and quiet and competitive and how that’s all horse shit meant to keep girls weak and separate from each other, so we can’t join forces and lead." After I read the piece, it was like years of what had been swirling out of focus in my heart came into crystal clear view. Girls, who turn into teens, who turn into women-- live and breath and move in a world which speaks this falsity into their hearts from a very young age:

You lack. 

If that girl is nice, it means you lack.
If that girl is smart, it means you lack.
If that girl is athletic, it mean you lack.
If that girl is organized, it means you lack.
If that girl is pretty, it means you lack.

We are trained to see another girl's successes as our deficits. If another woman is a great mom, we are trained to immediately see the gaping holes in our own job as a mom. If another woman gets a job promotion, we wonder what she has that makes it easy for the boss to pass us over. Instead of encouraging the gifts and talents we see in each other, we spend money, time and way too much energy trying to compete with the perfect life/personality/looks/job we think these other women enjoy.

But I am learning another way. We women belong to a sacred sisterhood. I'm realizing that even though I have an amazing husband who is my best friend in the whole world, he will never get me the way a woman can because women are uniquely--well...womanly. We women are instinctively nurturers and problem solvers, we are listeners and huggers and healers. And I am learning that having another woman or a group of women who cheer me on and raise me up is how it is supposed to be. We are supposed to want each other to feel happy, healthy and complete inside our own lives, our own bodies and our own hearts. We are supposed to be a safe place for other women to be broken, but also a safe place for them to fly.

We women are individual parts of one big beautiful tapestry. A tapestry that is dying and fraying because we are trying to replicate other pieces that are meant to be unique and lovely all on their own.

Those middle school girls who wrecked me so long ago started me down a path where I learned to put my guard up quickly. They taught me that girls could only be petty and conniving. They taught me it was never safe to be vulnerable or honest with another girl because at some point they would use all my feelings and thoughts against me. I'm trying to undo 25 years of wrong thinking. And it begins with how I see my sisters. It is SO HARD not to buy into this notion that another person's strengths are my weaknesses, but I am working on it. I want to dig deep and help change this culture that says one woman's plus is another woman's minus. I want to teach my daughters to be thankful for the their own gifts and talents, but also the gifts and talents of other girls.

I am so thankful for the women in my life--old and new, near and far, in the flesh, and online (as in communities such as Blessed is She) who have helped me love myself and trust the goodness and strength that exists inside the feminine genius.

Here's hoping and praying that you feel loved just as you are, sister. Love,

Alissa

That Thing Where You Suck at Life And Are (Finally) Okay With It

Okay Friend,

I have a confession to make.  This morning, I woke up with a fresh and new resolve to do one thing and one thing only:

NOT suck at life.

Under no circumstance was I going to end the day having sucked at doing life.

I looked around my house and took inventory of where I was clearly failing:

--Sink overflowing with nasty dishes?  CHECK
--Dirty laundry mixed with clean laundry strewn across the couch?  CHECK
--Bills unpaid?  CHECKITY CHECK CHECK CHECK.
--Children still sticky from breakfast, baby still in wet diaper from last night? CHECK

And on and on and ON.

But here is the thing.  I am just SO tired.  Last week was HARD and I was on the train known as:
JUST SURVIVE.  As in, just get through the day and get to bedtime and wake up and get through the day and get to bedtime and do it all again.

So after I looked around and realized that I was going to have to majorly step up my game in order for the house not to collapse under the weight of GROSS, I gave myself a little pep talk:

"Okay Alissa.  You can do this.  You can TOTALLY NOT SUCK AT LIFE by getting up and getting stuff done."

So that's what I did.  I got up, and for the first time in what felt like weeks, I got stuff done.

I started with my room because I felt as though my pretty duvet deserved to be made at least once this year.  And as I made my way through several chores, I realized this earth-shattering truth:

I DON'T CARE IF I SUCK AT LIFE.  

Well, at least not as much as I used to.  I used to look at my life and constantly dwell on what I left unfinished and undone.  I used to get so overwhelmed with where I was lacking that I often talked myself out of even beginning.

And maybe it's my age or stage, but I've decided to give myself a FRICKIN' BREAK and let myself be the flawed human being that I am.  I've finally gotten to the point where I (mostly) understand that life goes through SEASONS.  I will have seasons where I feel like I'm finally getting this mom thing under control, and I will have seasons where I have no earthly idea what the heck I am doing.  I will have seasons when I feel as though I am getting my house semi-clean, and times (okay a lot of times) when I feel as though I should just light a match and start over.  I'll have times when I feel like I am rocking it at growing myself and my interests and I'll have times when I will feel STUCK.

But you know what I ALSO realized today standing in my (mostly) clean bedroom?

The only thing I really don't want to suck at is LOVE.

I have time to learn how to be a better organizer and tidy-house lady.  But if I never learn how to get better at those things--if my house and myself are never quite in perfect working order--the WORLD WILL SURVIVE--I WILL SURVIVE.

But the time to NOT SUCK AT LOVE will forever and always be NOW.  Because the world may not suffer from my lack of togetherness--but I know for dang sure the world is suffering from a lack of love.  I don't have to be full of energy or optimism or ideas to get better at LOVE.  All it takes is the very next person sitting next to me to give this NOT SUCKING AT LOVE thing a try.  All it takes is listening to my three-year-old ramble on and on about the bad guy on Powerpuff Girls and then grabbing her and kissing her all over her beautiful face.  It takes asking my neighbor who just had a new baby girl if I can have her kids over after school.  Or maybe it takes rolling down my window at the red light and meeting the eyes of the homeless man and maybe asking his name (Grady) so that I can pray for him instead of avoiding eye contact because I have nothing to give.

Because I do.  I have LOVE.

And I WILL NOT.

CANNOT.

Suck at LOVE.

Get out there and get to LOVING the world sisters.  The dishes can wait.

Love forever,

Alissa

Catholic Homeboy Edition

Dear [Guy] Friend,

I started this blog primarily because I have a profound love for my fellow women.  The beauty, strength and uniqueness of women astounds me and my work in youth ministry left me wanting to make sure all women, but especially young women, knew their worth--their value.  I set out to speak to their hearts about how much God loves them and how much He wants what is good for them.  I practically begged them not to give their hearts or their bodies away to just any man because they are treasure and it was important to me that they saw themselves as such.

Yet in doing all this proclaiming--I feel I have made you out to be the fall guy in all of this--as if guys are to blame for all of the heartbreaks of the world. But when I think of all the amazing young men I have met in youth ministry over the years, I know that this is simply not true.  I know so many of them to be kind and good and caring and have decided that it is important that I tell them and you the exact same thing I have told young women:

You have infinite worth and goodness.  
God loves you so much. 
God wants what is good and true and real for you.

Your value is not based on which girl likes you or how many girls like you or if any girls like you. Your value--your worth--is based only on the fact that you are.  You were spoken into existence by a wise and loving God and THAT is the very foundation of what makes you valuable.  You are valuable to God.  You--and everything that makes you "you" matter to Him.

And friend? I'm wondering how much time you spend with the One who loves you best and most?  I wonder if He's the One you offer your love to, before anyone else. Because if you are spending your time trying to be totally fulfilled and completed by a certain woman or a slew of women, I don't think you will ever be satisfied.  That is just too big of an expectation. God is the One who made you, so He alone knows how to completely satisfy your heart's deepest desires and needs.

I will tell you that both my husband and I have made the dangerous choice at different times in our marriage to make each other the focus of all our love, attention and devotion instead of God. In the times when we have concerned ourselves with pleasing either only ourselves or only each other rather than pleasing God--when we have taken our eyes off of the prize that is a relationship with God, our marriage has suffered.  In fact, one year it almost took us down completely.  But on the other hand, when God has been the One we each seek to please and love first and best, we have found that our relationship has thrived.  It's like loving God equips us to love each other with a purer and more patient and sacrificial heart.

I think men in general get a bad rap for being out to get only one thing.  Too many times men are portrayed as incapable and unwilling to go beyond the surface of a physical relationship to one that is also emotional and spiritual.  But then I think of the many young men I have met over the years that have explained that they are tired of the games that often come with the dating scene.  The games that are more about who can hurt who the most.  Or who can get the most and give the least.  There are guys out there who are just as tired of the games as the girls are.  They are done with being stuck in the vicious cycle of no-commitment-get-what-I-want-and-get-rid-of-you type of "relationships." But everywhere they look, that is what they find.  It starts to feel as though that is the only type of relationship available and that there is no way out. 

The optimist in me chooses to believe that this cycle is not where most men want to be, even if they find themselves trapped in it for a minute.  No, I think the idea of a true, loving, sacrificial relationship where lying, cheating, manipulating, playing, and dumping are not part of the equation sounds really great to a lot of men.  But it is first believing that that kind of relationship can even exist that is difficult.  And even if they can believe it, the "how to get there part" is often all the more difficult.  I wish I could write out a fool proof equation.  But I can't.  I can't promise any of the wonderful young men that I know that if they do X, they will get Y.  Or if they don't do X, they will get Y---but what I can promise them--and you--with 100% certainty--is that spending time and energy loving Someone who is guaranteed to love you back--is a safe bet.  

And the only One, I have ever met that has loved me with a perfect love has been God.

So maybe.

Just maybe.

That's where to start.

I'm praying for you my brother in Christ.

XOXO.

Alissa

Maybe Your Ugly is Your Beautiful

Dear Friend,

Can I tell you about our backyard?

It's smallish.

But I love it.

It gets afternoon shade.
And it has a Marian grotto surrounded by roses and esperanzas.
There's an old wooden deck.
And a hammock.
Oh and a killer clubhouse for my kids.

The one thing about our backyard though, is that there is this spot where grass refuses to grow.  It's bald and ugly and now in the dead heat of summer, it's growing weeds.

As much as I love spending time in our backyard, I can't stand that spot.  I spend so much time focusing on and lamenting its very existence that sometimes I can't enjoy the rest of the yard. Anytime I take a picture of our kids in the backyard, I pay careful attention, making sure to place them away from that ugly spot, because GOD FORBID someone sees it and judges me and my lawn-care abilities.  

Today as I lay swaying in the hammock, enjoying the afternoon shade, I thought again about the stupid ugly spot. The spot that makes my lovely backyard less than perfect.

I thought about the spot and about you and me.  I thought about our ugly spots.  The things in our lives that get all of our attention because of how imperfect they make us feel.  The things we hide when we smile in the pictures we post.  Our broken relationships.  Our illnesses.  Our anger and our disappointments. Our fear. Our failures.  All the spots in our lives that force out the beauty in our days and take up our energy.

I wondered why our ugly shouldn't be considered beautiful.  I know that for me, the women who inspire me most are the ones who have been to hell and back and have come out stronger, wiser, deeper, steadier.  I wondered why we all try so hard to hide our ugly. What is it about imperfection that makes us want to cover up?  I know that spilling our guts all over social media is not the way, but many of us hide our imperfections from those closest to us. From our friends and our families.  Life is not perfect.  It's messy and hard.  And I wonder what would happen if we would just give each other a break. What if I were to say,

"Friend--here is the backyard of my life--over here are some beautiful flowers, and in this corner is my hammock which happens to be my favorite part.  And friend?  Over here is my ugly spot.  I've tried to make it beautiful but it just hasn't worked quite yet.  In fact. It's growing weeds.  I know it's ugly but could you have a look with me?"

And what if my friend were to say yes.  And maybe she could just sit with me and be with me in the ugly and not try to fix it.  Or maybe if I was ready to begin trying to grow in that area again, she could help me plant seeds.  Or till soil?

What if we helped each other see the beautiful in each other's ugly spots?  Because as it turns out, the ugly spots are valuable.  I know in my own life, the spots that I've been most embarrassed about--the ones that have torn me up--the ones that have brought me to my knees--are also the ones that have brought me to a new place of growth and beauty.   

I am learning I don't have to try so hard to be perfect.  And friend?  Neither do you.  We don't have to look so hard for perfection in ourselves or in anyone else. Because just like my backyard, there is beautiful in everyone.  I have to do a better job reminding myself to give people the room to work through their ugly spots. I've got to look harder and search out the beauty that sometimes they themselves don't even see.  

It's hard for sure, because the world hangs its hat on perfection.  Ugly makes the world uncomfortable and we have been trained to want everything to be okay all the time.  I'm trying to learn how to sit through the uncomfortable and awkward and not try to fix and force everything to be the way I have dreamed it up in my mind.  

My prayer is that you have a safe place to take the hard and ugly parts of your life.  My safe places have been my life savers.  I want you to know that I have profound respect for the battle you wage during your ugly spots.  These ugly spots do not define you, but they do play a big role in growing you and that deserves profound respect.  I hope though, that you can look up from those spots every now and again and see the hammocks, clubhouses, roses and esperanzas of your own life. I pray that the beauty will one day find its way back to being the focus.  And who knows?  Maybe one day, the really ugly--turned--beautiful spots in our lives, will turn out to be the ones we are the most proud of.

Love you in the midst of all the hard,

Alissa  

                                           My Ugly, Beautiful Backyard Spot