10 + YEARS OF NFP: MY 8 REALITIES

Dear Sister,

Can I call you sister?  I mean, we've been friends for a while. 

And this post will be kind of intimate--so I think we should move our relationship into the "sisters in Christ" level?

Yes?

Okay.  So my husband and I will celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary next month which means we have been practicing Natural Family Planning for almost 14 years (I started charting months before our wedding in order to...ahem...have things ready to go for the honeymoon).  I thought that maybe writing a few thoughts down might help anyone out there who is just beginning NFP.  But I have to begin with a MAJOR DISCLAIMER. These realities are MY OWN.  These are the observation I have made about NFP based on OUR experiences.  In our attempt to learn, understand and implement the Catholic Church's teachings on openness to life, we have fallen, been confused and have not always had it all right--but here we are, 14 years later going strong, so I thought maybe our realities could help you build yours. 

1.  METHODS MATTER:  It was really and truly important for us to become well versed in the method of our choosing.  We chose the Creighton Model long ago and we have stuck with it over the years.  If at the beginning we were not comfortable with it, I am certain we would have switched to another method.  It was really valuable that we took all the classes/sessions available in the method because they provided invaluable information which served to make us way more confident in what we were doing. Picking a method we were both comfortable with has made all the difference. Having experts (practitioners) we have been able to turn to with questions has been invaluable. 

2.  NFP VS OPENNESS TO LIFE:  Recently I began understanding that sometimes the terms "Open to life" and "NFP" are used interchangeably.  That is--a couple will say that they practice NFP, but when asked what method they use, the answer is something along the lines of "we are going to take however many children God gives us."  This is an incredibly beautiful, wonderful, sacrificial approach which many families ascribe to. However, these families generally don't chart or practice a certain method of NFP, but depend on breastfeeding, cycles etc to naturally space children.  This is different than practicing a certain method to space children for any number of reasons (finances, illness, mental health, etc). It is still considered being "open to life" when using a method to avoid pregnancy, as the couple is not using any means to take the procreative aspect out of conjugal love.  Neither is more right than the other, but it has been important to note that these terms are different because we needed to decide which approach was right for us.

3. OH FOR THE LOVE, I NEEDED SOMEONE WHO PRACTICES OUR WAY: Because OH MY GOODNESS--having someone who gets what we are doing has been one of the best ways to navigate this part of our family life.  There have always been struggles and questions and joys and sorrows--having someone who gets us has worked wonders for our confidence and sanity. Talking with other women who practice NFP has been good--but talking with other women who practice Creighton has been AWESOME.

4.  INFERTILITY AND HYPERFERTILITY:  Practicing NFP has been one of the most worthwhile endeavors of my life, but it has also been one of the hardest.  It takes so much sacrifice, but it also produces so many spiritual blessings. It has been important to note that there is not a "one size fits all" type of experience.  One of the most frustrating things about making it known that you practice NFP is the crazy looks and rash judgments you sometimes receive from all sorts of people.  Everyone from doctors, to onlookers at stores seem to want to add their two cents.  But beyond that, it is frustrating to hear people of your own faith make assumptions, assertions, and observations about your family life based on your family size. If a family has a ton of kids--the assumption is that the couple is irresponsible--too few and the couples is not open enough.  I have so many friends who have struggled with infertility or hyperfertility and who have been brought to tears with comments about their family size. In the last 10 plus years, I've learned that a family's experience with NFP is just that---their experience. It's not my job--or anyone else's to have opinions about something that is so deeply personal.

5.  MY SPOUSE IS MY GREATEST ALLY:  When we were starting a family using Creighton, I did a lot of the heavy lifting of tracking our fertility.  My husband kind of  knew what was going on, but since we wanted a bunch of kids, it wasn't really that necessary for him to know what was really going on.  Or so I thought.  It turns out the greater involvement my husband has had in charting and tracking our fertility--the greater our confidence in NFP and the stronger our marriage. The Creighton Model makes it a point to teach that fertility belongs to the couple--not just the woman.  It takes the couple to make a baby--it should always be an "us" thing when approaching fertility.  Just as with finances or big decisions--family planning has worked best for us when we both have a stake in the process.  If it is just me charting, observing, figuring out--and the bulk of the weight of family planning falls on me--just like it would with the pill, ring, or patch---it often gets too much.  It can be really overwhelming to feel as though you are the sole person responsible for welcoming or avoiding new life.  When my husband and I are truly partners in this NFP thing--when we are both responsible for the planning of this family--our trust in both the method and each other grows. 

6.  GET BEHIND ME, CATHOLIC GUILT:  In all areas of my faith life, I have decided that guilt is not a viable reason to do anything.  Not Mass, or confession, or tithing.  No--practicing what the Church teaches has got to be motivated by a sincere desire to grow in holiness  (i.e. nearness to God) and has got to be motivated by love.  So I go to Mass--not out of guilt--but out of love of God and out of a desire to grow in love.  Same thing for confession.  I go to confession because I love my fellow man, and I have hurt him and God through sin and I want to make amends.  Ideally, I want to practice NFP out of love for my spouse and out of love and trust of God.  This is the ideal I shoot for.  It is not easy.  By any means.  I am human and I make decisions out of fear or guilt or worry all the time, but the aim is love and holiness.     

7.  IT IS SO HARD:  So the honest realities for me about the things that have been the hardest:  There was the time we got real lazy and weren't charting and got pregnant unexpectedly with Baby Five. That was scary because it was the first time I didn't feel in control and had to really trust that God was in the mix. There have been the times when stress, or major shifts in physical activity has delayed my period and I've had a MELT DOWN because I thought I was pregnant again.  There is the self control that it takes to not have sex when we are trying to avoid pregnancy, but really want to be intimate. There is the worry of what will happen as I get older and things are not as predictable as they have been.

8.  IT IS SO WORTH IT:  When I look at our five kids and our marriage, I can say without a doubt that practicing NFP has played a major role in getting us where we are.  We have five beautiful children and our marriage has never been stronger.  Our family life is the single greatest joy of our lives. I don't believe for one moment that we would have been open to having all of these kids without the Church's teaching and I owe the life I live today to God and the wisdom He has given to the Church.  Baby Five is the best proof I have of this. He is here because we have always been open to life.  And he has added indescribable joy to our lives.  I have never put one artificial anything in my body which makes me feel pretty dang awesome. There have never been any barriers between my husband and I and that is just pretty dang beautiful.  There has been a greater trust of God and His plan for our family-- because as it turns out--He knows what He is doing. There has been a sincere awe in knowing my body, how it works and having the ability to predict everything associated with our fertility.  I have grown in such love of my husband because he has been willing to learn and grow right along with me.  He knows just as much about our fertility as I do.

At the end of the day, your experience will not be exactly like ours.  Its important to know that it will not all be easy.  But I truly believe that God reads our hearts and our intentions and extends His grace to help us grow in holiness.  I do, after all these years, believe that openness to life is a beautiful way to grow in holiness and trust.

Praying for you, your spouse (or future spouse).

Love,
Alissa

The Mean Girls Who Wrecked Me In Middle School

Dear Friend,

It's taken me a couple of decades, but I've finally figured out the mean girls in middle and high school. I used to think that they found joy in tormenting me--that it made them feel big every time they made me feel small.

And maybe that was part of it, but now that I am all grown-up and have experienced what healthy friendships look and feel like--I'm realizing that a big part of what caused those girls to bully me, was that we girls have always been conditioned to see other girls as competitors if we don't first see them as companions. I didn't fit into their mold of acceptable anything. I was skinny and awkward and I laughed way too loud. And since I wasn't deemed worthy of companionship, I was shipped to the outer banks of competition. It was the proverbial GAME ON. Anything I did remotely well was seen as another reason for an eye roll or sneer. Which in turn made me feel as though there was something inherently and incredibly wrong with my very self.

When I read this post from one of my favorite authors, this line especially stuck out: "We talked about all the messages girls get about staying small and quiet and competitive and how that’s all horse shit meant to keep girls weak and separate from each other, so we can’t join forces and lead." After I read the piece, it was like years of what had been swirling out of focus in my heart came into crystal clear view. Girls, who turn into teens, who turn into women-- live and breath and move in a world which speaks this falsity into their hearts from a very young age:

You lack. 

If that girl is nice, it means you lack.
If that girl is smart, it means you lack.
If that girl is athletic, it mean you lack.
If that girl is organized, it means you lack.
If that girl is pretty, it means you lack.

We are trained to see another girl's successes as our deficits. If another woman is a great mom, we are trained to immediately see the gaping holes in our own job as a mom. If another woman gets a job promotion, we wonder what she has that makes it easy for the boss to pass us over. Instead of encouraging the gifts and talents we see in each other, we spend money, time and way too much energy trying to compete with the perfect life/personality/looks/job we think these other women enjoy.

But I am learning another way. We women belong to a sacred sisterhood. I'm realizing that even though I have an amazing husband who is my best friend in the whole world, he will never get me the way a woman can because women are uniquely--well...womanly. We women are instinctively nurturers and problem solvers, we are listeners and huggers and healers. And I am learning that having another woman or a group of women who cheer me on and raise me up is how it is supposed to be. We are supposed to want each other to feel happy, healthy and complete inside our own lives, our own bodies and our own hearts. We are supposed to be a safe place for other women to be broken, but also a safe place for them to fly.

We women are individual parts of one big beautiful tapestry. A tapestry that is dying and fraying because we are trying to replicate other pieces that are meant to be unique and lovely all on their own.

Those middle school girls who wrecked me so long ago started me down a path where I learned to put my guard up quickly. They taught me that girls could only be petty and conniving. They taught me it was never safe to be vulnerable or honest with another girl because at some point they would use all my feelings and thoughts against me. I'm trying to undo 25 years of wrong thinking. And it begins with how I see my sisters. It is SO HARD not to buy into this notion that another person's strengths are my weaknesses, but I am working on it. I want to dig deep and help change this culture that says one woman's plus is another woman's minus. I want to teach my daughters to be thankful for the their own gifts and talents, but also the gifts and talents of other girls.

I am so thankful for the women in my life--old and new, near and far, in the flesh, and online (as in communities such as Blessed is She) who have helped me love myself and trust the goodness and strength that exists inside the feminine genius.

Here's hoping and praying that you feel loved just as you are, sister. Love,

Alissa