I have a confession to make. This morning, I woke up with a fresh and new resolve to do one thing and one thing only:
NOT suck at life.
Under no circumstance was I going to end the day having sucked at doing life.
I looked around my house and took inventory of where I was clearly failing:
--Sink overflowing with nasty dishes? CHECK
--Dirty laundry mixed with clean laundry strewn across the couch? CHECK
--Bills unpaid? CHECKITY CHECK CHECK CHECK.
--Children still sticky from breakfast, baby still in wet diaper from last night? CHECK
And on and on and ON.
But here is the thing. I am just SO tired. Last week was HARD and I was on the train known as:
JUST SURVIVE. As in, just get through the day and get to bedtime and wake up and get through the day and get to bedtime and do it all again.
So after I looked around and realized that I was going to have to majorly step up my game in order for the house not to collapse under the weight of GROSS, I gave myself a little pep talk:
"Okay Alissa. You can do this. You can TOTALLY NOT SUCK AT LIFE by getting up and getting stuff done."
So that's what I did. I got up, and for the first time in what felt like weeks, I got stuff done.
I started with my room because I felt as though my pretty duvet deserved to be made at least once this year. And as I made my way through several chores, I realized this earth-shattering truth:
I DON'T CARE IF I SUCK AT LIFE.
Well, at least not as much as I used to. I used to look at my life and constantly dwell on what I left unfinished and undone. I used to get so overwhelmed with where I was lacking that I often talked myself out of even beginning.
And maybe it's my age or stage, but I've decided to give myself a FRICKIN' BREAK and let myself be the flawed human being that I am. I've finally gotten to the point where I (mostly) understand that life goes through SEASONS. I will have seasons where I feel like I'm finally getting this mom thing under control, and I will have seasons where I have no earthly idea what the heck I am doing. I will have seasons when I feel as though I am getting my house semi-clean, and times (okay a lot of times) when I feel as though I should just light a match and start over. I'll have times when I feel like I am rocking it at growing myself and my interests and I'll have times when I will feel STUCK.
But you know what I ALSO realized today standing in my (mostly) clean bedroom?
The only thing I really don't want to suck at is LOVE.
I have time to learn how to be a better organizer and tidy-house lady. But if I never learn how to get better at those things--if my house and myself are never quite in perfect working order--the WORLD WILL SURVIVE--I WILL SURVIVE.
But the time to NOT SUCK AT LOVE will forever and always be NOW. Because the world may not suffer from my lack of togetherness--but I know for dang sure the world is suffering from a lack of love. I don't have to be full of energy or optimism or ideas to get better at LOVE. All it takes is the very next person sitting next to me to give this NOT SUCKING AT LOVE thing a try. All it takes is listening to my three-year-old ramble on and on about the bad guy on Powerpuff Girls and then grabbing her and kissing her all over her beautiful face. It takes asking my neighbor who just had a new baby girl if I can have her kids over after school. Or maybe it takes rolling down my window at the red light and meeting the eyes of the homeless man and maybe asking his name (Grady) so that I can pray for him instead of avoiding eye contact because I have nothing to give.
Because I do. I have LOVE.
And I WILL NOT.
CANNOT.
Suck at LOVE.
Get out there and get to LOVING the world sisters. The dishes can wait.
Love forever,
Alissa
