There are many days when I look around at my life and wonder how I got here. I have this sweet little house that I have loved making into our home over the last twelve years, I have five beautiful kids, and I have a husband who is the absolute love of my life.
I know that everything I have is a gift from God. This life I live. All the goodness and all the trials that help me grow are gifts from God. And when I look around at my life, it is clear that the number one vehicle that God has used to give me this life of goodness, is my husband.
God used and uses my husband to give me this life. When we pledged our love and commitment to each other and to God twelve years ago, my life was forever changed. Nothing could have prepared me for the work that would go into building a life together--marriage take so much work and sacrifice--but nothing could have prepared me for the amount of love I would receive from him and our children. My husband is where it all began. He has helped me build this life on a strong foundation of constant love and sacrifice.
I've thought a lot about what would have happened if I had gotten what I wanted in my early years of dating. Throughout high school and the early years in college, I dated a young man who just wasn't right for me. To be fair, I wasn't right for him either. We were young and there were many red flags that popped up throughout our relationship that should have signaled trouble to me. Ultimately I did not end up with him. But it wasn't because I didn't want to. In fact, I desperately wanted to. But after five years of dating, he found someone new and got married only a few months later. It was not I that walked away from something that was unhealthy. No, I only walked away when I had no other choice.
The question is why not? Why did it never enter my brain to walk away? There were so many things about the relationship that were not right. Why was I so intent on staying? In the years since, I have boiled it down to two main reasons:
I lacked honesty and I lacked courage.
First, I was not honest with myself about the relationship. I was not honest about what the relationship was and what it wasn't. I fooled myself into accepting a lot of things I knew I didn't want. I tricked myself into thinking that things would get better. I let my feelings cloud my judgement. Sure I loved him. But love is not enough. I know now that it takes a whole lot more than feelings of love to make a relationship work and to make it healthy. I was not honest with myself about the relationship because I think deep down inside I knew that if I actually looked at it with my mind instead of with my heart--I would realize that it wasn't good for me. It wasn't making me into a better person, or even a happy person most of the time. That realization would have been too much for me. Because then it would have required me to do something about it.
And I think I knew that I would rather love someone who wasn't right for me, than love no one at all.
And this leads me to the second important quality that I lacked--courage. I stayed with him out of fear. Fear that the heartache would be too much to handle. Fear that I would never meet anyone else. Fear that I would have to find a whole new life because for five years we did everything together. I neglected making friends and building a life of my own because my entire identity was wrapped up in him and in "us." I wasn't my own person and I knew if I let him go I would have to begin tackling life on my own. I would have to redo everything and make it work without him and I simply did not have the courage to do that. He was my movie date, my go-to when I had a fight with my mom, he was my best friend and the one I called when I had a flat tire. I was afraid that without him I wouldn't be able to function.
Friend, I write this today because I want you to be honest and brave. When I say it is the difference between life and death, I mean it. My life today is a life. Yes there are trying times, but oh my--the beauty. The beauty is overwhelming. And it was almost not mine. This life was almost not mine. Because I was not honest and I was not brave. Friend, I want you to know that it's okay to set your standard high--to want to be respected and to be cherished. It is okay to want a good man--a man who will be a good father to your children. It's okay to want a man who loves Jesus and who will bring you closer to God---this is not too much to ask for. And friend? It is okay to walk away. Does your man always choose what is best for him over what is best for you? Does your man drink or party too much? Does he often let his anger get the best of him? Is he overly jealous? Does he cheat? Does he get by with doing as little work as possible? Does he expect all the work and sacrifice to come from you? If so, do not feel as though it is your job or calling in life to fix all these things. It's not. You are not a bad person for wanting a gentleman. You are not crazy for wanting a relationship based on good things.
When I say choosing to be honest and brave is the difference between life and death, I'm not exaggerating or being melodramatic. I mean that when we women choose to stay in relationships that are unhealthy and that hurt us on a constant or continual basis, a death of soul occurs. We become less and less of who we were made to be. We see less and less of our own goodness. We expect less love and sacrifice and settle for more and more hurt. It is a death of soul and often it leads to hurt heaped on our children. Because bad relationships turn into bad marriages which almost always heap loads and loads of hurt onto our children.
So friend. Let today be the day. Let it be the day when you choose what I did not--choose to be honest with yourself. Choose to be brave. Choose to walk away today and give yourself a chance at life.
Love and prayers for your future,
Alissa
