Have I mentioned that I was a Confirmation teacher for twelve years? My job was to prepare high school students for the day they would receive the Holy Spirit and oh how I loved that job. Mostly I loved it because I loved them. All of them. They were smart, creative, focused, searching, challenging. It was such a joy to walk with them. I loved that I had the opportunity to share faith with them during such a "bruitful" time in their lives. (An author I love calls life brutiful--a mix of beautiful and brutal). Our conversations were often led by questions they had about really important topics. One such conversation came about on a Sunday morning when we were discussing prom. Prom season was in full swing and I made mention of how cool I thought it was that several of the students from our leadership program went to prom together as friends. They all went to different schools so they accompanied each other to all the different proms. This conversation led to a conversation about dating. I told them that if I had it my way, none of them would date in high school.
They of course were incredulous and demanded a reason. I told them that looking back on my years of dating in both high school and early college, I realized that the only thing I learned from those relationships was:
How to get good at breaking up.
I told them that no one starts dating in 9th grade with the intention of getting married. So at some point, a break up is inevitable. Which means dating is pretty much entering a situation where in the end, someone is going to get hurt. The degree of hurt at the end can be anything from a little heart ache for a few days to agonizing pain. Before you know it, a cycle begins. We date and break up, we date and break up. Pretty soon dating becomes just something else we do to fill up time and that space in our heart that longs for something real. Dating becomes purposeless and pointless. Add to that the fact that so many dating couples throw sex into the equation, and now you've completely upped the heartbreak ante. Now not only is there emotional attachment, but physical attachment too. That is a lot to handle at any age, much less at age 14. I told my students that in my case, the serious relationships I had in high school didn't help me learn anything other than how to survive a broken heart.
Of course they had comebacks: Miss Alissa! It's no big deal. You are making it into something bigger than it is. Dating doesn't have to be about marriage, it can be just about having fun.
Isn't that the predominant thought? Not only with my students, but with most people? Dating doesn't have to be a big deal. It is supposed to be fun--exhilarating even.
But here's the thing:
Movies are about having fun.
Sports and video games...fun, fun, fun!
The occasional roller coaster ride--fun.
But giving your heart away? And often times your body? That's not supposed to be fun. That is serious business. It isn't supposed to be "no big deal" because our hearts actually ARE a big deal. There is only one heart we are given, one soul and in the case of dating I would err on the side of Proverbs 4:23:
Above all, guard your heart, for everything you do, flows from it.
That's right. Guard. Your. Heart. As if it is precious (because it kinda is). Guard it. We take better care of our IPhones and expensive shoes than we do our hearts. But our hearts we hand out to just about anyone in exchange for that feeling that we get when we are noticed and given attention.
But the thing with our hearts is that they don't easily forget pain. They have to work through it and heal before they are capable of truly loving someone because love takes so much work. The mushy feelings fade in and out, but true love is about sacrifice and constantly and consistently putting the good of the other first. It is so much harder loving someone the right way and accepting true, sacrificial love when we have been deeply hurt because our hearts don't recognize authentic love. My heart sure didn't. I had a ton of work to put in before I was in good enough shape to get married. My inability to guard my heart and date with purpose when I was young absolutely affected my early relationship with my husband.
But the thing with our hearts is that they don't easily forget pain. They have to work through it and heal before they are capable of truly loving someone because love takes so much work. The mushy feelings fade in and out, but true love is about sacrifice and constantly and consistently putting the good of the other first. It is so much harder loving someone the right way and accepting true, sacrificial love when we have been deeply hurt because our hearts don't recognize authentic love. My heart sure didn't. I had a ton of work to put in before I was in good enough shape to get married. My inability to guard my heart and date with purpose when I was young absolutely affected my early relationship with my husband.
Guarding our hearts is intentional work. Intentional, meaning, with purpose. If I were to ask you to guard my one-year-old and upon my return, found you asleep with drool running down your mouth, it would be safe to assume that you were not serious about guarding or did not care what was at stake. Because being on guard takes focus and attention. We have to be alert and smart when it comes to our hearts. How and who you decide to date has everything to do with your future. If you fall asleep on the job of guarding your heart--know that no one else can or will do the job for you. And often times by the time you wake up and realize that your heart is the most precious thing you have, you find you have been robbed of much of it's innate goodness and trust. Putting back together a heart that has been robbed and broken is extremely long and arduous work (ask me how I know). So may I suggest the following eight ways to guard your heart so as to keep it in the best possible shape?
1. Have friends. Friendships are some of the most fulfilling relationships in our lives. Good friends help us navigate life, make positive choices, laugh at ourselves and learn new things. Sometimes the smartest thing we can do is surround ourselves with good friends and not jump into a relationship with every person we have feelings for. My students once tried to play the "you learn what you want in a future husband by dating a lot" card. But no. You don't need your heart broken 500 times to know what you do and don't want. In fact, having great guy/girl friends (notice I said friends---not friends with benefits) gives you great ideas of what you want your future spouse to be like.
2. Be transparent. In other words be honest and open about what you are looking for or not looking for from the beginning. There is no shame in not wanting to date just for fun. If you are looking for something that will eventually lead somewhere, it's good to say it. "NO WAY!! THAT SCARES THEM OFF!" you say. Listen, I'm not telling you to propose on the second date. I'm saying if you are hoping for an enduring relationship and the other person is expecting a two second fling, things are going turn ugly quickly. Honesty in relationship is a lost art. People would rather text than have a quality conversation about real thoughts and feelings.
3. Set boundaries. If the person you are dating is someone you really care for and you feel as though they really care for you, boundaries are super important so that you can help each other with temptations. If you've decided that you want to wait to have sex until you're married, (which is great and I wrote this post as to why) then you will need to be upfront about that boundary. Boundaries are part of being honest and transparent.
4. Say goodbye before it's too hard. Sometimes red flags pop up and we stick around much longer than we should. Sometimes we feel as though the relationship is right but circumstances (distance, jobs, other responsibilities) make the relationship really difficult. Sometimes we flat out know it's bad for us, but we stay. It takes lots of maturity and courage to look at something that isn't right and let it go before it becomes too hard to let go.
5. Don't lose yourself. Love has a way of making idiots out of us. The feelings of wanting and being wanted often times totally outweigh the common sense or reason we once had. We often lose who we are in the mushiness of it all. However the goals, interests, people, and future we hold close should not be gone in a snap of a finger, but instead should be valued in the relationship. The person we are dating should help make us a better version of ourselves, not turn us into someone we not only don't like, but don't even recognize. It is important that you are bringing each other up, not down.
6. Realize that this person is someone's somebody. The person you are dating is someone's sister or brother. Someone's daughter or son. The person you are dating could very well be someone else's future husband or wife. Your job is not only to guard your heart, but theirs too. Somewhere out there is your beloved. And I know you would want whoever is dating them to treat them with dignity and respect before they ever make it to you. The bummer thing is that we are not very gentle with each other. We use each other up and spit each other out when we get what we need. But maybe if we see each other as Someone's Somebody, we will be more careful with each other's hearts.
7. Raise the bar. I once asked one of my teens if the young man she was dating was good to her. She responded earnestly that he was so good to her. And then she proceeded to list all the things he had bought her that month. Don't get me wrong. Gifts are nice. But the same guy wouldn't go to Mass with her when she asked and got jealous every time she went out with her friends. You have every right to set that bar for your heart high. Expect to be respected and honored. Expect sacrifice and care. Expect honesty and goodness. I wish so much that these things were commonplace, but so often they are not. Raising the bar doesn't mean making someone jump through hoops of perfection, but it does mean realizing that you are worth authentic love.
8. Find Courage. And finally--It takes a ton of courage to live the dating life differently than the world expects you to. Going against what "everyone is doing," is so hard. But there are resources out there to help you. Namely--God. He is one amazingly awesome resource. Staying close to God--offering Him your relationships and asking Him to guide you (and then listening to His guidance) is key. Visiting Him at Mass every Sunday and taking that time to be with Him and hand over your love life is the best investment of one hour you will ever make. If you can't talk to God about what is going on in your relationship, it's time to figure out why. Because no one loves you more than God and no one wants your happiness more than He does. He knows how to help you find the courage to guard the precious heart He gave you.
Praying for the person who will one day receive your unguarded heart,
Alissa
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